I believe that life is such a waste when you put most of yourself and your time into worrying about things.

I want to live life unattached- unattached from worries, pressure, and expectations. I constantly find myself trying to please people rather than thinking about myself. Sometimes I give little credit to myself when in fact I know that I deserve more.

I don't want to be tied to Time's short leash all the time. I want to live life as if I had so little time on my hands to enjoy every single minute of it. I need to feel the things I want to feel and do the things I want to do.

I no longer want to be blinded by the worldly things that may seem to be important at first but actually isn't. I want to see what's behind the façade and to distinguish what's real from what's not.

I want to spend more time with true friends and show them how much I appreciate and love them. I want to spend more time with family because being around with people that make me happy, people that I love and love me in return makes me feel like I'm the luckiest girl alive.

I don't want to be scared to face challenges. I want to come out of my shell and show myself that I am stronger than I think I am.

I want to make people happy and as much as possible, refrain from hurting people because it kills me when I unintentionally do that.

I want myself to be a sincere and genuine person the way I want people to be to me. I want to expect less and appreciate more.

Most of all, I want more of God in my life.

Adia by Sarah Mclachlan. love the song :)

i just got home from hanging out with 5th and 6th grade friends Josephine, Gab, and Albert. we were supposed to have this small reunion thing but only the four of us could make it (so much for a "reunion") but it turned out fun though. dinner at Teriyaki Boy. memories. updating with each other on what's going on. gossip (of course) and just plain good conversations that made the evening really fun. we moved to starbucks so we could talk more and hang out longer. sigh. didn't want the night to end. talked for hours which seemed so short because we had fun. i hope we would be able to do this more often. we're planning a Christmas party already with the other gradeschool people. albert offerd his father's place. yayness. can't wait for that. i offered to bring chicken nuggets that will make them forget their names. haha! seriously. my grandma introduced it to me. she orders it from some friend who makes homemade chicken nuggets. cute little nuggets in animal and star cut-outs. haha! seriously, they taste really good with Heinz ketchup!

oh, tonight i realized that i am the "stalk princess". oh yes, i can stalk like mad because i am patient to do all that searching. the grade school peeps thought so too when i told them about the other gradeschool people that i saw on Friendster. i know which school they go to, if they're single or not, where they live now, blah blah blah. little miss pathetic knows bits and pieces of information because when she's bored she surfs the internet all day. don't be scared. i know my limits :P

must get sleep. 8 AM appointment at the hospital tomorrow for my 2D echography. then maybe hit the mall with my sister so i can finally cut my very long hair. then mass in the evening.

good night folks! Happy Halloween too :)

i went to the doctor this morning. he was very late. had to wait with the other lolos and lolas haha! i was the only young person in the waiting room! my blood pressure was high, the assistant said. 2 hours later when the doctor came, i was third to be called. my ECG reading was ok but there was a reading that gave the doctor the suspicion that i might have a thickened heart. he sent me off to get my Holter test, 2D-echo and signal-averaged ECG.

2D-echo (it's like utrasound but for the heart) is scheduled for 8 AM sunday morning. wahh! there goes sleep. the Holter monitor is already with me now. electrodes are attached to my chest for 24-hour ECG monitoring as i go about my normal activities. i'd have to go back tomorrow to the hospital to have it unattached at exactly 24 hours and return the machine. the signal-averaged ECG was done before setting up the Holter on my chest. it was like normal ECG but it's more..er...graphic and i could hear my fast heartbeats.

then i'll see the doctor again after i get all the results and he can tell me what's wrong (or WHAT'S NOT) so i can live peacefully. phew. what a day! it was tiring, alright.

i hope there's nothing wrong. that my heart isn't thickened. oh well! prayers will help :) *hint hint*

my chest feels tight right now and my face feels swollen. related? i dunno.

finally. my ISP can contact Blogger's server again. i was able to edit the previous entry. so many typos and misaligned paragraphs since i typed it at notepad before pasting it at blogger. so yey :)

just got home from enrolling at Instituto. met up with Ina at U.M. lunch at House Blend. i love that place :) carbonara and mochaccino made my tummy really happy during late 4 PM lunch. good thing i had breakfast. then we went cd happy at U.M. before going home. i got two mp3 cds. both alternative. the other is acoustic. yey for vertical horizon, puddle of mudd, blink 182, the calling, goo goo dolls, and counting crows :) yay for bargain mp3 cds!

on the way home ina and i talked nonstop during the whole trip. i bet the other passengers in the FX were already annoyed but who cares? haha :P okay i'm mean. i dropped by the nearest mall then to the record bar before heading off home. Kitchie Nadal is finally home with me! yay! i finally got her cd :)

may gusto ka bang sabihin
ba't di mapakali
ni hindi makatingin
sana'y wag mo na itong palipasin
at subukang lutasin
sana nga'y sinabi mo na...

iba'ng nararapat sa akin
na tunay kong mamahalin

oh... wag na wag mong sasabihin
na hindi mo nadama itong
pag-ibig kong handang
ibigay kahit pa kalayaan mo

ano man ang inaakala
na ako'y isang bituin
na walang sasambahin
di ko man ito ipakita
abot langit ang daing
sana nga'y sinabi mo na...

at sa gabi, sinong duduyan sa'yo...
at sa umaga, ang hangin ang hahaplos sa'yo...

oh...
oh...
oh...

wag na wag mong sasabihin
na hindi mo nadama itong
pag-ibig kong handang
ibigay kahit pa kalayaan mo...

Kitchie Nadal, Wag Na Wag Mong Sasabihin

mental note to self: buy an acoustic guitar, learn to read guitar tabs, first song to play... Wag Na Wag Mong Sasabihin. ang kumontra, pangit.

here's to sound tripping tonight and for having a good day not bumming at home. oh, also for productive saturdays from now on. Spanish... here i come! Ina said it would be really cool if we already knew how to speak the language fluently and we'd gossip in Spanish! just like what my sister and i do but in Burmese. she also said how cool it would be if we'd buy the original (Spanish) versions of The Alchemist and Milan Kundera books and read them! oh yes, that is way cool! classes will start this saturday. hurray :P

okay bye!

changes. how do you respond to changes? i'm not talking about just the big things but the small things as well. i've had a lot of changes in my life considering my growing up years when i moved around a lot. i changed schools and lived in different houses. within the 8 years i lived in Yangon, we moved to 3 different houses. when i got back home, there was a major change in environment, school, friends. i had to start all over. but i was a kid and kids respond to changes easier (in my case) because of how foreign the word "sentimentality" was to me.

so change is something not new to me.

but when you think about it, not all changes are easy to deal with. when i left Manila again and studied for 3 years in Abu Dhabi, i had to deal with change. again. but it was different because i adjusted really quick and made good friends there. more good memories were made in Abu Dhabi despite people's impression of it whenever i tell them where i went to high school. but when i came home 3 years later and studied senior year in a different high school, change came as a hard blow for me. consider a teenager well-adjusted in her secure environment enjoying school life and her friends in a country she came to love. then in one blow (although i was already conditioned before the move back home) everything changed. senior year. the worst year. the big move back to manila. i had to live through each day trying to adjust to the new school. it was senior year, for crying out loud. everyone's getting ready for graduation and the sentimentality... it was suffocating. everyone in my new school were reminiscing about their preschool days and all that i could do was stare at them blankly. i'd try to imagine myself being in their shoes because i did not share the same background and the bond as they shared with the rest of the batchmates. come graduation day, i was the only person who didn't cry like a baby after the ceremonies. all i ever did during senior year was pray for graduation to come so that i can step into college where everyone will start ALL OVER AGAIN just like me.

during that senior year, i came into a realization that i'm really not good at letting go of the past and welcoming change especially when the past was almost perfect that it seemed like a dream. i'm usually in a "stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it" (from U2's "Stuck in a Moment" song) situation. during class hours i'd find myself staring at the teacher ranting endlessly while my mind drifts off to what i left behind in my old school. to make things worse, my friends would call me overseas and i'd hear everyone's voices in the background. they'd tell me that classes just ended and i'd picture everyone hanging out in the dull classroom hanging out and doing what we usually did: HAVE FUN. but i dealt with it and i went through all that pain without a scratch. it was hard but everything worked themselves out after i've accepted that the past wasn't something to dwell on anymore and that i should be thankful that at least for a moment i got to experience what i had experienced. afterall, i did meet friends who would lateron return home for college and keep in touch with me.

then there were relationships (or pseudo relationships). these were the friendships that died too soon and relationships that ended. i used to dwell on the past a lot and think about the what-could-have-beens or the what-ifs. it was hard to ponder on regrets or imagine what would have happened if things worked out. i almost felt like a loser trying to cling on to what i lost and blame myself for not speaking my mind. but it's no use now, is it? so again, i had to deal with change. the change in my life like no one to text when i feel happy about something or when i feel bored and i needed to talk to someone. the change like no one's going to be willing to stay up with me during the wee hours of the morning ranting endlessly about nonsense that only he would listen to. the change that i can no longer look forward to vacations and saturday night dates.

but through all these, i realized that i do not have to suffer from "separation anxiety" anymore if only i focused on the good that came out of each change. "let go" are the two magic words to end my miseries on change. change doesn't have to be hard because there will be more, i'm sure. i also realized that change is also good especially if it is for the better. i guess we may never understand the mysterious ways of the world but we can move on and let ourselves grow from these changes. life is about changes, i guess.

i'd like to think that changes in my life would make me a better person just like what earthquakes can do to the earth's surface- people may perceive earthquakes to be disastrous but geologically, it helps shape the earth's surface and the planet actually benefits from these tectonic movements. so changes need not be a "disaster" afterall because no matter how shattering changes can be, it tests my strength and when i make it through, i become a stronger and better me.

i never thought my geology classes would come in handy when applied to life in general. Prof DLA would've been proud that i applied the geological theories to daily life.

where to go, what to choose?

i'd like to apologize for my constant lay-out changes. sorry if it annoys some of you. it just varies according to my mood and sometimes when i don't like the lay-out anymore i don't feel like writing.

this week a lot of fun options are aligned for me but i have to choose, i can't have all the fun because i can't be in two places at once. on the 29th there's a trip to Baguio with friends from Cavite. on the 30th there's my first day of Spanish classes at Instituto and a coffee date with some of my grade school friends (i don't know if Josephine was able to contact the other people). if i go ahead with the Baguio plan (which i haven't gotten my parents permission yet), i'd give up the first day of Spanish classes and the sort-of-reunion thingy with my long-time-no-see grade school friends. if i drop the Baguio plan, i'd be able to go to the first day of Spanish class and attend the reunion. plus, my mother is prodding me to see the cardiologist already. i should've called in earlier to make an appointment but i was too lazy to set a date and go to the hospital. that i will do tomorrow, though.

so what now? i want to see the doctor while i'm on sembreak. i want to go see my grade school friends. i also want to attend the first day of Spanish classes.

besides, Baguio looks a wee bit impossible because i doubt that my parents would let me go on an out-of-town trip with friends. my mother (most especially) is usually paranoid when it comes to out-of-town trips especially to Baguio! ah well. it's worth the try.

i'm on a high

this evening seriously kicked ass and i'm still on a high. my sister and kuya john picked me up after dinner. then it was off to Eastwood. we waited for an hour before the movie started so we killed time at the arcade. i got to play Daytona again! whee! happiness :) i'm hooked on Daytona. i remember a few weeks before the last summer i spent 300 bucks at Timezone for playing Daytona. haha, dork. i got addicted to playing hoops and driving an imaginary race car when a few years ago i nodded in dismay watching people get addicted to make-believe computer games and waste their money. but guess who's addicted now? okay, i admit. i like the challenge of kicking boys' asses playing Daytona but the thing is, it rarely happens. now that's a challenge :P my sister and i also tried karaoke haha! it was funny because i was shy. i'm not used to singing my lungs out in a karaoke booth with the speakers on for everyone outside to hear.

a caramel frap later i was laughing my head off like crazy from both the caffeine fix and the movie. caffeine is my drug. no doctor should tell me that caffeine is bad for my health. caffeine makes me high and uber hilarious movies too! wow! White Chicks was hilarious. haven't laughed that hard since Hot Chick and that was a year ago! seriously, you should go watch it RIGHT NOW! good thing it was the last show for the day so there weren't that much people at the theater. i love last shows and Eastwood cinemas because it's comfy and there aren't too many people. sometimes i'm agoraphobic- as in i don't like being in places with too many people.

on the way home i did it again- rolled down the windows and let my mind wander free. i thought about how obliged i would be if God decided to take me. i feel like i've felt all the emotions in the world and that i've tasted true happiness already at such a young age that i'd be more than willing to go. but the thing is i probably haven't fulfilled my mission in this life so God won't take me away just yet. this is how crazy i get when i'm caffeine induced. it is my drug, i tell you. it takes me on a high like you've never experienced.

i also made a theory that saying that you're bored is like breaking some unspoken and unwritten law of the universe. how could one possibly be bored with life when there's so much to do, so much to see? so if it really were like breaking a law of the universe, i'd probably be in jail right now for ranting endlessly about how boring sembreak is. the thing is, i realized that it's really up to me to make it not boring. oh yes, good luck to me.

going to bed now. it's 3 AM.

gasping for air

i've been experiencing shortness of breath for days now so i decided to look up Second Degree Heart Block (which i was diagnosed with during the start of freshman year). my cardiologist at St. Luke's diagnosed me then my mother thought we should get a second opinion from one of the best cardiologists at Makati Med. we went there too and the diagnosis was the same but both doctors said i shouldn't feel bad about it because it basically is nothing, i can still live a healthy life. what they didn't explain is why i get the palpitations and why i'd eventually feel tired all the time. today i feel like being smothered and whenever i feel my pulse it's racing like i've been jogging for minutes although i've been lying in bed for hours. i'm supposed to go for annual check-ups and undergo routine tests with my cardiologist (2D-echo, ECG, Holter monitor... the works) but i'm too lazy to go to the hospital and get all those tests done. i can't wait till my parents get home so that they can take me to the doctor.

but must i wait for another month to breathe normally again? maybe i should tell my aunt that i'm feeling this way. i just don't want to worry my family. besides, the Holter test is such a hassle because it's this device that is larger than a discman. some wires will be stuck to my chest and for 24 hours it will remain there. i get to bring the device home (it sort of records the heart's activities) then go back to the hospital the next day so that the people there will be able to read what has been recorded. hassle, eh? besides, i haven't been to the doctor without my mother beside me. i want my mother with me now.

lookie! amidala took a bath today and she smells like Herbal Essences! :) after blowdrying her very thick locks, i tied an elastic around the hair on top of her head because they're getting very long and she can't see anymore haha!

window shopping and chillaxing

spent the entire afternoon with Ina. it was fun, felt great to finally go out after days of being stuck at home. went window shopping for a while then we caught a movie at G4. i finally got to watch Shark's Tale. i liked it contrary to the previous reviews i got from people. it definitely isn't for kids but i still think it was good. then tambay at Coffee Bean at Greenbelt for the longest time. wow. we were there for hours just talking over hot chocolate and a slice of chocolate fudge. i realize that our conversation in high school about books and people have now progressed to love life and well, life in general. it felt nice sitting there and letting time pass. i loved the cool breeze that cooperated with us the whole time. Ina! tambay ulit tayo!

i had fun :) my back hurts right now. i don't even know why. oh well. so i got hosted at mess-up.org. new home for Gail's psychedelic rants.

i shall go rest now because i'm tired.

amidala

for the lack of better things to rant about (you probably know how my day went anyway), here's a picture of my toy. i'm kidding. she's real and her name is amidala. i'm exploiting her too much. if she could only talk she'd probably complain hehe:

she's a 4-month old shih tzu. i love her to pieces. she's not home right now. kuya john took her home while our household helper isn't home to help out taking care of her. i miss her! :(

i'd rather be bored than be back in school

this morning was the first time i actually slept-in (up until 10 AM) since sembreak started. my biological clock is so used to waking me up not later than 6. so i always wake up earlier than i want to no matter how sleepy i am. it felt so good to be in a deep sleep until 10 but a phone call ended it all. i lazily answered the phone with my very i-just-woke-up groggy voice, "helllloooo gooood morningggg" i said. imagine the sudden jolt i got when i realized that it was my professor on the other line. then on he went ranting about what was needed in our project (that we passed yesterday) and other problems about the grading. i couldn't focus clearly. i had to give myself an imaginary kick so that i would be awake to listen to the details he was telling me. but it's all good now. whew!

i lazily floated slept through this whole thursday. literally. this afternoon i woke up when my grandmother banged on the door. she probably thought i was dead already or something. when i opened the door she asked if i wanted to have a snack. i said i'd go get it myself from her after a while. i ended up walking back to bed and dozed off immediately. again.

the only productive thing about today is that i watched When Harry Met Sally. i'm going to add it to my favorite list of movies. being friends first with someone who's going to be your partner is something to consider. friendship, afterall, is important right? but sometimes "love" ruins the friendship. what if the relationship won't work out? then the friendship suffers. but i loved the movie and a lot of lines from it made a lot of sense. except the sleeping-with-your-friend part. i wouldn't know. but yes, i think sleeping with a friend would definitely ruin the friendship unless both people fall in love in the end. i'd definitely watch this movie again if i actually feel like it.

"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

Harry Burns, When Harry Met Sally

oh man. i'm such a hopeless romantic.

anyway, having food in the house all the time doesn't help make things any better. my grandmother offers food that i can't resist all the time, my sister bought a lot of junk food from her grocery shopping last week, and having loads of supplies of sugar in the fridge makes everything worse than it already is.

now i'm grumpy as hell. but i must admit, i love this life. i'd rather be a bum than be in school worrying about grades and all that. whew! thank God for sembreak.

couch potato problems

during school days i worry about how to get the grade i want to pass a subject or which paper to write first. during sembreak, i worry about which to watch: C.S.I., Alias, or The Practice. it sucks how my favorite shows are aired in different cable channels at the same time slots! thus, the confusion. so what i do is i channel surf. but i end up being confused. tonight i settled for The Practice. i love this show. too bad next week's episode is going to be the season finale! :'(

i was at school the whole afternoon. got home really tired. whew. at least everything's finished now. the STS class card is out already. when i got to manong who hands out the class cards, he asked for my i.d. then he told that he couldn't find my class card. mine wasn't among the stack of class cards in the box! i panicked, of course. why wouldn't i get a class card if i filled it out earlier during the first semester? then i went to the bulletin board at RH lobby. phew! i saw my grade. thank goodness! i thought there was a problem. maybe the professor lost my class card or maybe it was just there manong didn't look! so anyway, that's the only class card that's available. phooey.

i'm addicted to Candy Factory. particulary those chewey/gummy sugar-coated strawberry flat things that's really sweet and sour in the mouth. yum! they're soo good. when i got to school Jo was chewing on grape and strawberry and she gave me some. i got hooked! so when we went to the mall i got myself those chewey stuff in grape and strawberry plus chocolate tootsie pops. oh yes, i am was a little kid all over again! i had too much sugar today. Jo and i had Go Nuts donuts too. ayayay! who could surrender sugar anyhow? there are 2 big boxes of Quaker granola bars in the fridge: Peanut Butter and the other box is Peanut Butter and Chocolate Chunks. i love granola bars! Cookies N' Cream is good too. my mother knows what i like. i love her (and granola bars) to pieces!

i was groggy the whole day. i still feel groggy now. haven't eaten dinner. too lazy to eat. too groggy to get out of this room. can't even think of decent things to write about. can't think clearly. that's what i'm feeling now. oh well. it's a slow evening. maybe i should go to bed already.

to my soulmate (although i haven't found you yet) these will be my lines for you and i hope it will make you melt inside like it did to me.

Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends.

-Sunday Morning, Maroon 5

the best lines from a song. ever.

i'm such a sap. okay good night.

what do you think?

new lay-out. this time i made it myself. worked on it last night. i wasn't really planning on putting this up because i'm too lazy to tweak the codes. but yes, since i woke up pretty early today and i got bored... ta-dah! this is what you do when you're bored. you design lay-outs and hope it won't come out boring.

is this boring? what do you think?

i don't want to be normal

i don't want to be normal.

i've been normal all my life. i want to rummage my closet right now and throw everything i own because everything i own is normal. and boring. changing my wardrobe would be the first step to undo my being normal. oh dear. angst-ridden Gail explodes again. seriously. i'd rather be anything else than normal.

people will never be contented with who they are. normal people want to be not normal while those who are not normal want to blend in.

gail doesn't want to blend in. gail doesn't want to be normal.

enough said. :)

not today

for the first time in ages... I'M BORED. i can't even make up my mind whether to eat dinner or not because i lost appetite when i polished a bowl of chopped bananas and cookies n' cream ice cream. i'm beginning to hate sembreak because i turn to tv and food when i'm bored. ugh.

i wish i could read. but i'm too lazy to do that because most of the time i'm sleepy. i woke up this morning to an empty house. my sister had classes. when i looked at the clock it was just 6 AM. i couldn't go back to sleep afterwards because i thought about the scary movie last night. it gave me the creeps. so i watched tv in bed instead hoping that i'd fall asleep after a while. i also had to turn the room upside down to look for my cellphone. i thought a ghost was playing tricks on me (haha paranoid!). i called my phone a couple of times because i was so sure that i turned the ringer on before i went to bed. turned out that i accidentally slipped it into my sister's bag. she answered the phone. a day without my cellphone was something i should have done a long time ago. i'd throw my cellphone away if i didn't need it for emergency purposes (like tracking down people). it's not an essential for me. i'd be better off without the cellphone. people get to track me down through my cellphone and having people track you down is really stressful.

so anyway... i spent hours on YM chatting with people from the org waves to Neng and Bhibe and Avid, the music video slash artist extraordinaire. my org is probably one of the best things that happened this academic school year. we're up and running again! i had to log off after i got really dizzy from the 2 pills of Excedrin that i took for the migraine attack this morning. Excedrin has a high dosage of caffeine and it causes dizziness. what kind of medication would take the pain out only to replace it with another? grr.

i don't know if i'm going to attend the leadership training seminar tomorrow conducted by a bunch of leaders from UPM. it sounds good, though. i could really use that seminar in the future.

on the 30th i start Spanish classes at Instituto Cervantes with my good senior year friend, Ina. i'm pretty psyched :) when i told my dad he said yes right away. i'm lucky to have parents who support me all the way and a friend with whom i share the same interests ever since high school.

sigh. i wish i could rant about how amazing my life is right now and how much fun i'm having but i can't because i'm not having fun staying at home all day. ah well. maybe some other day. i was so pathetically bored earlier that i surfed my friends' friendster pages just to browse profiles of grade school people. that's what you do when you're bored. ah well. i can't wait to go dvd crazy with Paolo! Paolo! kelan ba?.

and now i'm going to share another feel-good cd with you guys just because i want to:

1. why can't i? - liz phair
2. black balloon - goo goo dolls
3. that's when i love you - aslyn
4. here without you - three doors down
5. givin' up on you - lara fabian
6. accidentally in love - counting crows
7. pieces of me - ashlee simpson
8. if i am - nine days
9. happy ending - avril lavigne
10. lost in space - lighthouse family
11. never so blue like that - shawn colvin
12. ocean drive - lighthouse family
13. i think God can explain - splender
14. crazy for this girl - evan and jaron
15. yellow - coldplay
16. shiny red balloon - barbie's cradle
17. life for rent - dido
18. try - nelly furtado

so what if some of the songs are pop? *hides from deadly objects thrown her way*

okay bye. i've ranted enough. this entry is so random. tsk tsk.

i love sundays

I'm walking on sunshine , wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
and don't it feel good!!
- Walking on Sunshine, katrina and the waves

according to a test i took online, this ought to be my theme song. i believe that too. it will perpetually play inside my head because i'd like to think that i am optimistic this way. take note- optimistic doesn't mean that i am susceptible to bad things thrown my way. i just look for the brighter side of things instead of moping all day (which i do at first but then i pick myself up and go on).

i wish "happy" were an infectious disease that people could contract by contact with an infected person. this way i'll get to bring sunshine to people's lives when they need it.

anyway...

at the moment i have about a gazillion different unrelated thoughts to write about. but i'll take it one at a time.

i love sundays. today started off really well. i cooked lunch while my sister took care of amidala. our household helper left for the province to take care of personal problems. so yes, we pretty much had the house all to ourselves including the chores. my grandmother checked on us once in a while. i enjoyed the lunch. good food (i cooked!), good conversation with the sister, and cookies n' cream ice cream for dessert from a bowl that i shared with ate.

the rest of the day i watched tv while my sister fell asleep on the couch. we were supposed to attend the 4:30 PM afternoon mass but we finished getting ready too late. the gospel was probably over so we'll go next week (sorry po). in the evening kuya john picked us up and we went to Galle. traffic was horrible at EDSA on the way. thank goodness for Bamboo's As the Music Plays cd in the background. we three had dinner at Yoshinoya. i love that place. looked around Beauty Bar to buy tomato soap (it's supposed to do wonders for the face) but we were too lazy to look around the shop (hehe) so we gave up. i got myself an iced espresso at The Coffee Experience and it was really good. first time. pretzels at Wetzels Pretzels was also delicious. yes, there's always food tripping whenever i hang out with my sister and her boyfriend.

then it was off to the movies. we went to watch Three- that scary asian flick with three different short (scary) films. i don't know why i do this to myself - watch a scary movie and end up scaring myself after. paranoid is what i am right now. most of the time during the movie i clung to my sister's arm like a little girl and closed my eyes every time a scary part came. i told myself i'd never watch a scary flick in a cinema again (i hate how loud the scary music is) but i always end up watching anyway.

on the ride home i rolled down the window where i sat and let the wind blow strongly against my face. this is one of my most favorite things to do. on a ride late at night especially when it's cold outside, i like watching the lights of the street lamps, buildings, and cars swoosh by. it's like having all the power to stop the world for a while and enjoy time as it is. as maroon 5's She Will Be Loved played on the background, i realized that no matter how many times i listen to it and how overrated it is, i will always love the song. it sounded even better when i closed my eyes and imagined that the song was playing for me. yes, that's how pathetic and over sappy i get when i am given the chance to do so (which is all the time).

this evening, a lot of reasons made me smile: cookies n' cream ice cream topped with lots of giggles and stories with my sister after lunch, taking time off from the world and just bumming at home, hanging out with kuya john and my sister and the food trips, scary movies (that would probably keep me awake the whole night), iced espresso with extra whipped cream no matter how cold it made me feel inside the theater, window shopping at Beauty Bar, Bamboo's As the Music Plays album, Maroon 5's Songs About Jane album, and Sundays in general.

i also thought about how i love my life. no hypocrisy whatsoever. i love the way it is right now. i wouldn't change anything if i had the power to do so. it isn't perfect. i've had my share of downtimes. i've cried and i've laughed. i've failed and i've succeeded. people have betrayed me and some stayed loyal. friends have walked into my life- some stayed, some went. but i have no regrets whatsoever to the ones who left. time will heal all wounds, as the cliche insists. i've learned to accept that "life is what you make it" and that i can't expect everything to be perfect all the time.

i will forever be grateful because i am able to enjoy the simple things like Sundays... family... friends... and most of all GOD who showers me strength to go on and helps me enjoy smelling the flowers.

life can be a bitch but you got to admit, it is grand too! :)

team building of OrgASM (Organization of Area Studies Major)

i realize how much of a big computer nerd i am when i leave for 2 days and one night and i already have messages/emails piled up that i have to reply to. i usually don't have anything piled up because i constantly check my email and blog so i get to reply to the messages right after they're posted.

the Laguna trip was fun. writing about every single detail that happened would not even justify the amount of fun i had during the trip. as expected, there were bonding, games, funny moments, senti moments, and just more fun! i'm still tired until now. we only slept for 2 hours which hardly helped because of the teeny tiny bed we, 4 girls, had to share with another guy who snored like there was no tomorrow. i ended up waking up almost every 30 minutes, disoriented and cold, trying to put myself back to sleep and ignoring the sharp pain my tummy was having. it was horrible being so tired like that after a very LONG day considering that we all went to bed at 5 AM in the morning.

apple, paolo, and i were the only juniors around! we were outnumbered by the freshies, sophies, and seniors. but it was okay because groups didn't matter, we three juniors still had a kick-ass time. when we got to laguna, we three grilled the food because we were a part of the food committee. we were so proud of our grilled meat (haha!) and fried hot dogs. although the food was prepared early we ate at around 10 PM already after the water games. i didn't join, though. i just watched from where i stood and amusingly observed people play the games in teams. then ranielle (my school paper buddy) and i sat together by the pool while we watched the others play. i never got to really talk to him since i became a part of the school paper but he was so nice & warm, it was so cool to have him for company.


i know, the people should be in the middle of this picture. but i didn't use the view finder! hehe


meet paolo, the 6 footer who never fails to remind me how short i am whenever i'm beside him. tsk tsk.


left: uuy! it's getting hot out there! hahaha! right: sophies looking on.

the inuman was even better because the seniors prepared a human binggo. then shots of cuervo were passed around the long table. i had around 4 shots of cuervo, 1 shot of lambanog (that tasted like peppermint), 1 cup of beer (i don't like the taste of beer), and 1/4 glass of caramel mudslide (i like chocolate more). i didn't get drunk (i forbid that to happen to me) but i did get allergic again and got beet red all over my arms, neck, and face. coincidentally, i was also wearing a red shirt last night so it made my face look like a huge plump of tomato. after a few shots, my heart started to pound like mad and my breathing went crazy. i got scared for a moment because ranielle said i could get cardiac arrest (trust the Industrial Pharmacist major to know that kind of stuff). so i drank and drank cups of water to flush the alcohol out. i'm not a heavy drinker and my alcohol tolerance is very low (heart problem). i get palpitations and i feel like all the blood from my body goes up to my head. so yeah, i know my limits. so i stopped and watched people instead and jumped into the pool to get the tipsiness out of my system with ranielle. the water was freaking cold!!! but it did make me feel better until my breathing went back to normal.

from 2 AM onwards i hanged out with the rest of the people at the videoke area watching more freshies and seniors get wasted. i swear, they can drink so much more than the rest of us upperclassmen could! our 2 professors were there too, it was weird seeing them in their unprofessorish aura. they were normal people for 2 days and 1 night!

the next day we left at noon. when we got back to UPM paolo, apple, and i went to McDonald's at RP right away to satisfy our McDonald's cravings :) i had filet-o-fish again (i'm addicted to that stuff) and caramel sundae (this too!). although we were dead tired we still wanted to eat because we were starving.

when i got home i went straight to bed. yes, straight to bed. now i'm going to unpack and reminisce on the past days with a geeky smile on my face because those memories are more than enough to keep me on a high for the rest of the week. Lord, don't bring me down just yet.

toodles.

so there. like i said, blogging about it won't justify the amount of fun i had during the trip because it won't even tell half of the story. one thing's for sure, the org is more bonded now and people know most of each other compared to before. cheers to more org fun from this day on (the OrgASM week on november and Christmas party on December). cheers to the freshies, sophies, juniors, and seniors. WE DO ROCK :)

sembreak officially started today

the laguna trip is tomorrow. i should be packing but i'm too lazy to start.

the checklist:
1. 2 pairs of jeans
2. shirts
3. sneakers
4. socks
5. digicam
6. hygiene kit
7. food (for the road)
8. extra AA batteries for the camera
9. CDs!!!
10. swim wear
11. slippers
12. wallet
13. Excedrin (medication for my migraine)
14. sunblock (?)

i don't really pack light. i don't like forgetting things so i end up bringing the things that aren't really important. but this is just an overnight trip so i'm packing light. i wonder how the trip is going to turn out. bonding with freshies, sophies, and the seniors. this ought to be fun.

i already made apple agree to not sleep the entire friday night. it makes me really high and bangag that it's unexplainable how good it feels to watch the entire night pass by. just like old times last semestral break when i went to Cavite with apple.

i was introduced to her friends, the entire barkada. they were a big bunch! one night apple and the rest of her gang (with me, ofcourse) crashed Sherwin's house. we watched a movie then played cards with putting baby powder on the face as consequence. it was hilarious! at midnight the guys started to ask if anyone wanted to drink gin-orange juice. all of the girls (6 of us) joined. but when the hard drinks came, we all bailed and watched tv again instead. the guys continued to drink. at around 2 AM while the others settled in the living room to sleep.. Sherwin, his uncle, Raul, Ana, and I decided to go around the village. it was very cold that night and the whole village was so peaceful. while walking, we looked up to the sky and admired the vast blanket of stars that looked so near from where we stood. we went to the village's park where there were lots of trees and a few benches. we four shared ghost stories and after we heard a funny noise within the woods, we ran and laughed at the same time crazily. then Sherwin's uncle had a crazy idea to go swimming at the village's pool although it was already closed and off limits. we snuck into the pool area. while the rest of us sat on the ground beside the pool, Sherwin's uncle jumped and swam! we were so scared of being caught but it was fun. when we got back at Sherwin's house at the crack of dawn, we couldn't sleep. the rest of the people were already sleeping cozily. we stayed up talking and snickering like mad people. during breakfast i was still wide awake but very tired. when i got home that evening (all the way from Cavite) i slept like i hadn't slept for days.

good sembreak mems. i hope there will be good ones this year too! anyway...

i just want to share the tracks of my feel-good cd:

1. Absolutely (Story of a Girl) - Nine Days
2. Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus
3. Big Yellow Taxi - Counting Crows
4. Every Other Time - L.F.O.
5. Take Me As I Am - Tonic
6. California - Phantom Planet
7. Somewhere Out There - Our Lady of Peace
8. Unwell - Matchbox 20
9. When I Come Around - Green Day
10. Here is Gone - Goo Goo Dolls
11. The Remedy - Jason Mraz
12. Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
13. Hello World - Belle Perez
14. Push - Matchbox 20
15. If I Am - Nine Days
16. You and I Both - Jason Mraz
17. Lonely Day - Phantom Planet
18. Pick a Part That's New - Stereophonics
19. Semi-charmed Life - Third Eye Blind

the songs are old (think late gradeschool and highschool). but i still like them.

i've been listening to Simple Plan's Welcome to my Life over and over. i love it. people are so much alike more than they'll ever now. just when you thought you were the only person feeling that way, you realize that everyone else feels the same. that makes everything easier and the world becomes a simple place to live again. you smile and tell yourself, "hey, it isn't so bad afterall." :)

i'm downloading the original version of Circle of Life (from the soundtrack of The Lion King). i love Disney theme songs. they make me high. they're so full of life!

a day with *Mommy

i spent the entire afternoon with my grandmother. my uncle picked us up and drove us to Healthway. why? my grandmother hit her forehead on the tiled floor last night when she lost her balance. the minor accident gave her a humongous prune-like bump on her right forehead. it looked ugly, i tell you. when i got to her last night after the fall, she was sprawled on the floor wailing like a baby. it scared me to death when she took her hand off the bump. i almost fainted. remember the big bumps you see in cartoons that you thought were exaggerated? well, that was how Mommy's bump was! after giving her ice wrapped in wet cloth, i told her we should bring her to a hospital. it was obvious that a vein ruptured because of the size and color of the bump. there was clearly an internal bleeding. i was so scared of hemorrhage! but my uncle said that the fact that my grandmother was still thinking straight was good news. maybe she just needed to take a rest overnight.

but this afternoon we brought her to the clinic just to make sure she was really okay. although the bump resided from all the ice, her right eye was so swollen that you'd think she was involved in a boxing match! but instead of laughing you'd pity her because her right eye-lid was like a bag filled with purple blood. yes, that bad.

so while at the mall after my uncle left, we waited for the doctor together. we talked. the longest conversation i had with her since a long time. we got hungry after a while and ate our late lunch. she got teary-eyed while talking about my father and his brothers while they were growing up. i could tell that she was choking back tears. it was another side of my grandmother that i saw... she likes talking about the past but it makes her really emotional. we talked some more about her relatives and every little thing we could think of.

the good news is that she's going to be fine. the prune-like bruise isn't fatal or anything. she just needs a lot of rest and in a month the bruise will be gone.

i actually enjoyed hanging out with her and taking care of her while we waited for the doctor (for hours!). it made me feel good that i was there for her for her check-up and i was the one who had to walk as slowly as she did when getting to places. what made me feel even better was that we got to talk a lot longer than we used to and it looked like she truely, genuinely, enjoyed my company as much as i did with hers.

when i brought her home after quite a long afternoon (which didn't seem to be that long), she said: "Thank you, Gail" with a smile...

... and that was enough to make my day.

_____________
*Mommy - don't be confused. Mommy is not my mother. I call my grandmother that because my father calls her that.

i'm finally free

Joey featured me on Blog Addict @ YOU. thanks, joey :) answering the questions was fun!

slept through the rest of the afternoon after the very lethal geo final. the phone rang several times but i ignored it (my bad habit). no one calls the land line anyway. i hope it's not an emergency call. they would have texted me anyhow, right? then my dad called me on my cellphone. asked about my plans for sembreak. no plans, whatsoever. i'm hoping for a beach trip or anything out-of-town but i'll have to see about that. for now, i see myself watching documentaries at either the National Geographic Channel or Discovery Channel all day- my current obsession. although i channel surf once in a while. must buy DVDs to go on a movie marathon to kill future cases of boredom. any movie suggestions?

the geo final was very hard. i wonder if my professor has a heart. 7 essay questions. 2 hours.

it was such a distraction taking the final on the 4th floor roof deck. i could see the top of the buildings nearby. to make matters worse, a construction was going on at the National Bureau of Investigation (NBI) building. i watched as the daredevils we like to call "construction workers" climb the metal frame of what they were building four floors down! oh my! i wondered how they could climb like that and not be scared at the same time. i don't like heights. i remember my Enchanted Kingdom visit. it was my first time last year (yeah, dork) and i told my other friends that i didn't enjoy it that much. why? because i didn't ride anything extreme. i refused to ride the rollercoaster and the only extreme ride that i rode was the Flying Fiesta (laugh all you want). even the Ferris Wheel ride made me dizzy looking down from way up. the only good thing was the sunset. it looked spectacular from up there. so i made a pact with myself. i'm going to ride all the extreme rides the next time i go and one day i'll go bunjee jumping to conquer my fear of heights. wouldn't that be fun? it's going to drive me crazy, i know. my friends who are going to watch me do these should call the paramedics beforehand just in case i faint after going through all these. but yes, i'm definitely going to do that!

so yes, i was distracted from watching the construction. but i did do my best for the exam.

it's sembreak now, sort of. i have no plans whatsoever except for coffee dates with friends: Ina, Jern, and Nicole. all on different days. Ina is my high school friend from St. Claire, Jern is my classmate in high school at Abu Dhabi, and Nicole is my other schoolmate in Abu Dhabi. wow. there will be lots of conversations and caffeine overload the coming weeks.

i'm looking forward to the Pansol, Laguna trip my org is going to take this friday too. it's a team building thing with the higher classmen and lower classmen. an overnight bonding would be filled with lots of laughter, mems, and pictures (of course). there will be swimming too and a Fear Factor-ish activity. i hope they won't let me eat anything out of the ordinary.

for the rest of you out there, enjoy the sembreak before another round of hellish semester starts again. we're only given the taste of freedom for a month. you might as well grab the opportunity to have fun and relax. toxicity is a foreign word to us for now... go crazy!

Dear You

Dear You,

admist the crazy workload i have for tonight and the cramming that i have to do, my mind still flies off to where it shouldn't go. it's not like me to feel this way. i'm always in control of things - bold and brave to face whatever life slaps me on the face with.

rockslides...destructive mass movement which involves movement of the bedrock.... (image of you pops in my head)... slump... special type of mass wasting involving a rational movement of materials.... (i see your face, your smile...)

this should stop.

i don't even know myself anymore. i sit here and try to memorize my notes in geology, my last final tomorrow. but instead of me concentrating on better things (like how to pass the geo final), my mind drifts off to thoughts of you.

is it really like this to say goodbye to a friend? is this how it feels to regret something that you should have held on to?

i always thought i was strong. perhaps life is testing my strength. i pray to God that i don't give in or else i wouldn't know what to do. this isn't a way to live. i should learn to let the memories of you go. if only it were as easy as holding every bit of memory involving you in my hands, then blowing it away and let the wind carry you far away from me...

...maybe then i will be able to learn to live my life like i confidently, carefreely used to.

sincerely,

Gail

"life is a road and i wanna keep going..."

i'm listening to "At the Beginning" by Donna Lewis and Richard Marx. I love this song. It makes me feel really good and fuzzy inside. Although I don't have anyone to sing it to, it's still a good song that makes me high.

Life is a road and i wanna keep going
Love is the river i wanna keep flowing
Life is a road, now and forever
Wonderful journey...

i feel unbelievably inspired today for no apparent reason. i don't think you have to feel in-love or something good must happen to make you feel this way. it's the best kind of natural high when you're high just because! i feel like i can float through the rest of the evening even while trying to absorb the lessons i will study later for my geology exam. although i had just a few hours sleep last night, a lot of thinking this afternoon, and a POLSCI160 exam that i took hours ago, i feel INFINITE. credit for the term goes to Charlie from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. it's like having the power to stop time in your hands and everything seems to be at place.

i think this is the closest thing to perfect- to be contented right where you are, what you are, and what you have.

morning rants (monday is not my day)

the weather is cloudy today. what a perfect day to choose to stay under the covers and stay there until i feel like getting out of the bed. but no, i have to be awake to study some more. i hope i won't fall asleep again just like i almost did during the last POLSCI160 exam.

2nd change of lay-out because i don't feel like using the pinkish-whitish template that i designed myself. i want a dark themed one and because i'm too lazy to design my own again and because i just simply do not have the time, here's a blogger template for me.

crap. i'm too lazy to continue.

always look at the bright side of your life

what a night! thank you Lord for the unexpected (bright) turn of events! thank you for reminding me of your presence.

contrary to what i had posted earlier, everything went well during the rest of the evening. i enjoyed my stay at the office earlier. really! it's just a matter of making the best of what you have. yes, i made the best out of it. a carton of mocha java from Mini Stop later, i was perked up again, energetic like my old self. i talked to people- my co-writers for the paper and i really had fun hanging out even if i had to work at the same time. wow. revising the article was really hard! i left the office at 10pm. my sister and kuya john picked me up at Starbucks again and we met up with jinx at Tazza for coffee. i only had a sandwich, though. i realized i hadn't eaten yet. although my eyes felt tired, the caffeine rush was still running through my veins. then i realized that everything turned out oppositely as it had started. God really worked through me. i'm fine now. i'm accepting things as they are and guess what? i'm HAPPY! amidala was also with us during the whole ride to and from Manila. she was a good girl! i'm glad to have her back home! when we finally got back to Q.C., i realized that i don't have a picture with cutie amidala yet so here it is:


amidala and myself after we got home a few minutes ago. i love her to pieces. having her cuddle on my lap during the ride was really relaxing! i love cuddling her! oh, and i'm really wasted and tired here. don't be fooled by the big geeky smile on my face. amidala makes me smile that wide no matter how exhausted i am.


on the way home i remembered what Morrie said to Mitch (Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom) about emotions.

"Take any emotion-love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what i'm going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. if you hold back on the emotions- if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them- you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. you're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.

but by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them full and completely. you know what pain is. you know what love is. you know what grief is. and only then can you say, "alright. i have experienced that emotion. i recognize that emotion. now i need to detach from that emotion for a moment."

and Mitch said...

"i thought about how often this was needed in everyday life. how we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don't let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we don't say anything because we're frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship. Morrie's approach was exactly the opposite. turn on the faucet. wash yourself with the emotion. it won't hurt you. it will only help. if you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, "All right. It's just fear, I don't have to let it control me. I see for what it is."

thank you, Morrie Schwartz and Mitch Albom.

tonight before i go to sleep i'm going to thank GOD, my sister, kuya John, Jinx, and of course Amidala for making my day end GREAT! i feel like i can go through anything now as long as i have people around who loves me (thanks Apol and mitchie) and as long as GOD watches over me i'm going to be just FINE :)

Lord i'm thankful for my blessings
everything that you gave
Times when danger was around me
My life lord you saved
Where would I be without your love
Where would I be without your grace
You didn't have to do it but I'm glad you did.
-Thankful, Mary Mary

is it really Saturday? how come i don't feel it?

hey. i'm still in Manila. at RP, to be exact. i'm waiting for my article to be edited by the EIC. i don't know what i did wrong for me to be working and stressed out on a saturday night. i can't believe it. i should be resting at home but nooo, i'm still here in Manila! one hour away from home!

i didn't know that it was obvious how stressful the past few days were from the way i wrote about it. but yeah, it has been stressful. throw in personal issues and you have a one harrassed Gail. to the people who just met me, i'm not really like this. normally i take things one at a time. but when obstacles are thrown your way at once, you can't imagine how fast you can snap!

thank God my supposed first final (which i sort of studied for but didn't quite absorbed what i reviewed last night) for the day got postponed. when i got to school my classmates said that our professor bumped his car so he's going to make the exam a take home exam instead. i'm happy for us but sad for our prof. poor guy.

no words can explain how long this day was. spent the entire morning with Jo trying to review for our STS final. bumped into Nic at Wendy's. forgot that i was in a public place when i shouted "Niccolllllle!". she sat with us and boy can she really eat FAST. we all were stressed out. quizzes (for nicole) and exams for me and Jo. we tried to study while i ranted about what was going on with my life. it's always pleasant bumping into old friends. these are the people who really know you.

fast forward to late afternoon, walked to the school paper office after the STS final. my head hurt after. i was so disappointed that i didn't get exempted for the POLSCI160 final when i badly wanted to bail out of the final. i got really depressed so i walked to the office with a frown on my face. my mantra for the days was: "It's okay... there will be better days..." (repeat 10 times..deep breaths in between...). pathetic, huh? but it really helped. biting my lower lip helped me from crying like a baby while walking. too many bad things happening at once. it was so draining. then when i got to the office my article wasn't for lay-out but i had to revise it because it's way overdue already. then apple texted me. i told her what i was feeling. i was way stressed and i wanted to cry. she said a lot of comforting words and i told her: please don't say that you'll make me snap and i did. i snapped like twig when she came up to the 4th floor office and i cried. i finally let myself cry. it's so hard to keep all that tension in the chest. apple listened while i told her that i didn't even know why i was crying anymore because there were too many reasons to cry. we went to Ice Monster and shared a Brownie Fudge over a conversation that made me feel better. Thanks, Apple! thanks for being there for me and listening to my endless rants.

things that made me sad:
1. the fact that i'm taking the POLSCI160 final (i'm scared!)
2. the fact that i have to be here on a Saturday night! (i need more sleep!)
3. my 1 hour ride back home later (i'm tired!)
4. personal issues (yeah right)
5. more finals on monday and tuesday (can someone shoot me now?)

i'm stressed. it's like there's this never-ending tunnel. i can see the light but it's taking me too long to get there.

adios! i'm going back to the office to see if the article is good for layout. if not, i don't know what i would do. faint, perhaps?

"angels fall without you there.." Black Balloon - Goo Goo Dolls (LSS for the night)

life. how do i begin? i don't feel like studying anymore. nothing that i'm reviewing is entering my brain anyhow.

please Lord. i hope the Pahinungod orientation will push through soon so that i can get to merge with new people, new activities, eventually clinical hospital work with the cancer patients so that i can pour much of my time to them instead of me wasting away in front of the computer, surfing, reading blogs, surfing some more, downloading songs that make me pathetically emo all over, and then writing my heart out. it's been quite an evening. i'm glad some personal issues were sorted out (sort of). i went soundtripping while studying, texting, and thinking so hard that it made me want to pluck my head from my neck. hah. multi-tasking at its finest.

i have a 4-hour vacant period tomorrow. i guess i'll study more for my STS subject more by then. i'll probably be sitting alone at the cafeteria under that big Nescafe umbrella pretending to absorb the readers for my final even if nothing will be absorbed. then i'll sip my iced coffee, look far off to the distance and daydream about myself travelling right after graduation. why can't i just hop into the time after graduation when i can finally see the world?

i am going to prepare for the big trip. it makes me wonder now where my father will be off for his next assignment abroad. i can't wait to leave too. too many memories. good ones and bad. maybe i just need time off. then i swear i'll come back. how can i leave Philippines for a long time? i'm in love with the place :).

back to studying mode again. enough emo for the night. please. i need to think clearly for the finals tomorrow!

before i call it a night, this song will forever be the saddest song ever because of what i went through:
(as if he'll read this but whatever).

There You'll Be - Faith Hill
When I think back
On these times
And the dreams
We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause
I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back
On these days
I'll look and see your face
You were there for me

In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There'll always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be

Well you showed me
How it feels
To feel the sky
Within my reach
And I always
Will remember all
The strength you
Gave to me
Your love made me
Make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

'Cause I always saw in you
My light, my strength
And I want to thank you now
Now for all the ways
You were right there for me
You were right there for me
For always



good night world.

favor? please?

can people stop getting themselves into relationships without comittments? like the so-called M.U. (mutual understanding) crap when you let a person in your life, share your life with him/her, be really good friends, only for all that to go down the drain? it's hard not to know where you really stand in this kind of relationship. please. hold yourself back before one of you get really hurt. better yet, voice out what you really feel.

it would really save a lot of people from heataches and heartbreaks.

i finally said goodbye to him. and you know what? this time i really meant it. i don't think there's a point in saying "lets still be friends" because you can't possibly be platonic friends with someone you fell for, right?

i don't know where i'll go from here but one thing is for sure, i got the closure that i wanted.

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

my psycho emotional crap. sorry you had to listen to this.

i love staying home

no school today which is a good thing because i get to bum before continuing with more finals. watched Abandoned this afternoon on cable while wolfing down a cup of strawberry yogurt. i liked the movie. a lot. it gets you thinking after the movie and the ending is unpredictable. i like psychology-related movies because i like psychos. not quite. i just have a thing for the mind. other movies that i suggest you watch which are psychological are: the butterfly effect and a beautiful mind. i always thought i'd take up Psychology in college. maybe it's not too late. i can minor in Psychology. but that would be too unrelated to Social Science.

anyway, my grade school friend Rachel called too. i had to run all the way upstairs when i heard the phone faintly ringing from a distance because i was charging the battery. i hardly recognized her voice because she sounded so different. plus, the line was unclear so i tried very hard listening to what she was saying. but anyway, it's funny how time changes people. then again, we were in grade school when i last saw her so yes, she must have changed a lot. nevertheless, it was nice hearing from her again. Rachel never forgets. thanks, Rach! the phone call brought about lots of memories!

i remember Rachel and i liked watching Mtv. when we see a good video or song that we both really liked, one of us would call and then let the other know that the video is on tv. then we'd watch it together while we were on the phone. those were good times :) i miss you Rach i hope i can visit you up there in Cali soon after graduation!

now i have to go study for 2 finals tomorrow. after tuesday i'm free from school and that would make me really really happy.

it's about time

have you heard of the government's new project on food coupons? they're equivalent to food stamps in the states. Filipinos who go through every single day without a single meal will hopefully not get hungry anymore. i heard this on the AM radio on my way to school. it seems like my question, "Why is the government ignoring them?" has now been answered. they seem to notice the street people too.

a couple of weeks ago Jeremy (my school paper co-writer) and i roamed the UN Avenue and Padre Faura area in hopes of finding "the thinking man". dubbed so because he stands by a tree in front of the Supreme Court all day at Padre Faura, gazing at the tree or at the sky doing absolutely nothing at all but just stand there and think. he's a foreigner too, probably of Sudanese or African decent. he does not look like any other street person because he usually wears a polo shirt and trousers. only, people (especially UPM students and Supreme Court employees) find it odd to see him there everyday.

it was a long hunt for Jeremy and i. it came to a point when we went inside a police station at U.N. avenue to ask around for a "foreigner street person". the policemen gladly shared bits and pieces of information like how the street man daily comes to the station to ask for free coffee in the morning, information that the "thinking man" was arrested once and spent the night in jail, and that the man was of German decent. Jeremy and i were puzzled. we thought the man was Sudanese.

it turned out that we were talking about two completely different people. there was a German street person/homeless who roamed the area every single day. he liked to stay outside McDonald's at UN avenue to ask for left overs. Jeremy and i went back to the McDonald's for days in hopes of catching the German man. we gave up after hours of waiting for him. while walking back to UP Manila, i yanked Jeremy by the arm and exclaimed in excitement: "Look! It's him!!!". i couldn't contain my excitement and i pulled him across the street to approach the German man. however, he declined to be interviewed for the article. he even growled at us, two innocent campus journalists. so we backed out in fright of getting our heads bitten off.

so much for the German guy. so we proceeded to interviewing the usuals at Padre Faura. the street is frequented by several homeless people. we approaced "Manang Lydia" and she gladly answered our interview questions.

after the interview, it felt odd to just leave her there all sprawled under the waiting shed at the pavement. according to her, the others were taken by a DSWD (Department of Social Welfare and Development) truck. the truck comes by often and takes the poor to the homeless only to be released the next day after being fed with instant noodles. she said she had no family, her children had already abandoned her. her only relative moved away without even telling her where. this is why she lives alone in the streets.

Manang Lydia is just one of the many street people in Manila. you would be shocked to see what reality has to slap you in the face with. it's heart wrenching to see little kids live in the streets and be vendors instead of studying, playing, or just plainly living their childhood like any other kid.

it's about time someone paid attention to them. it's about time someone took them out of the streets. i wonder why we have to give too much budget to the military when even a small percentage of it can fill the hungry stomachs of street people and provide shelter for the homeless.

if you have the answer, please let me know because i am in dire need of answers as of the moment.

there should be a "I'm happy. Don't ruin it." banner plastered on top of my forehead

initially posted a photo entry but i'm reserving it for another day. photobucket went nuts. the images won't show. ah well. hopefully it will work properly again tomorrow.

so what did i do the whole day? i studied the whole Philippine map! i'm done now. i know where every single province is located. hah! proud :) buying 2 blank maps for reviewing was a very good idea. memorizing directly from the original map is too mind boggling since there are countless cities. they get in the way of memorizing the provinces alone. what am i doing discussing the map with you? i'll spare you from more details. hopefully, i'll do well tomorrow for the GEOG131 final.

i was happy the whole day. this is the sort of natural high i get when i see things with optimism. i dare not dwell on negative thoughts. it's scary to even go there but life is the way it is- there are good times and bad times. it's not like i can change things the way they are and even if i can, i would but some things are better off untouched. also, some things cannot be changed, we just have to accept them and make the most out of it. right? right. please tell me i'm right.

my only final for tomorrow is from 7:30AM-9:30. yayness. sembreak is around the corner. i can smell it already. hurray! now i shall get back to reviewing the map for one last time so i can finally go to bed and dream of passing the exam with flying colors.

i want a Lomo LCA

according to my sister, "You ruined my day!" (referring to me, of course). ah well. i just had to make that phone call and give her a piece of my mind about her keeping 2 sim cards (one's for Sun and the other for Globe) because Sun has this unlimited call promo. the thing is, it's so hard to contact her. so there. i officially suck.

anyway, i've been surfing the Lomography website and i want a Lomo LCA camera. only, i don't know if it's available here in the Philippines because it's Russian and Lomo isn't really widely used here in the Philippines (or so i thought?). so if you have any idea where i can inquire, please do let me know. in hopes of getting my pictures Lomo-ish, i tried this at Photoshop:

taken during summer of 2004 (the best summer ever!)

this picture got me thinking, i wonder where i will be during the sembreak. it would be great to go beach-hopping again. i love roadtrips!

shoulda, woulda, coulda

this morning i saw my former grade school (4th-5th grade) classmate Amado. i do know that he lives around here so i wasn't surprised when i saw him. i wanted to say hi. i really did. but i was too shy to call out his name and say, "hi! i'm Gail! remember me?" because i'm not used to approaching former classmates whenever i see them these days. plus, lets not forget the fact that i used to beat the guy up in front of ALL our classmates. i wonder if he recognized me. it has been 5 or more years already. he still looks the same. i know i do not. i used to be stick thin, shy, and 4-eyed in grade school. i was the geek in grade school (some things never change) but i had my fair share of friends. i knew everyone and i was a friend to everyone. i just wasn't one of the popular girls.

but this morning it looked like he recognized me somehow because he looked at me too. i was about to call out his name but i hesitated and then as if on cue, my ride came.

i should have walked up to him and said hi. afterall, these days now that everyone's in college, it's seldom that i get to bump into former grade school friends. ah well. lets just hope there will be a "next time".

today wasn't so bad afterall

my head hurts like it weighs a ton. my eyes sore too. i'm tired. my 3-hour class was boring as usual but this class was the last so hurray for me. after class my sister and her boyfriend texted me that they'd pick me up at Rob in front of Starbucks at past 6. so i had to excuse myself from our professor so i could meet up with the sister since i have to walk a little from the campus to the mall. why do i have to keep humiliating myself all the time? as i was walking up to the professor, my very un-reliable slip-ons slipped on the slippery floor and i nearly lost my balance. the classmates who saw what happened laughed. i did too but my cheeks were hot from embarrassment. my professor was surprised too since i had to break my slip by holding onto his armchair. then they laughed again. ohmygod. why me?

dropped by National Bookstore on the way to Starbucks to buy a Philippine map. heaven help me. Map exam for my geography class on thursday. as in THE WHOLE PHILIPPINE MAP. damnit. i also got Spanish Holiday by Kate Cann because i think it's interesting. i like anything related to Europe. another book to read after hell week is over. minutes later i was with my sister and kuya john. i wanted to get myself a grande mocha frap but i was too hungry and dizzy to have coffee replace dinner.

fell asleep in the car on the way to Causeway. dimsum and noodle soup made me feel better. then dessert at Iceberg's. a banana split with a good conversation with my sister and kuya john made me forget my worries of stressful school stuff and life in general. the split was good. although the banana wasn't too good. why am i telling you this? i bet you don't care. excuse me, my brain cells aren't functioning properly as of the moment.

so i think i'm going to head off to bed now. i'm groggy and wasted. really wasted. i need to catch a few Zs. finals week. Lord, help me get through this. i SHALL get through this.

i'm not a monday person

monday morning. i'm not a "monday person". why? when monday comes i still have weekend hangover (if there is such a term). like 2 days of rest isn't enough. it really isn't. it happened the past weekend. i had whole day classes the past saturday so i only had sunday as a weekend. yes, Gail can never get too much rest.

so i'm in front of the computer again. woke up at 7AM. pass time till 1 PM when i'll get ready for school. 3-6PM classes. i'm not too eager to go to school. i could skip the 3-hour class and not feel guilty about it because it bores me to death but the thing is, i'm reporting today. so i pretty much don't have a choice but to drag my sorry lazy self to school. then it's back home. study for an exam tomorrow. then sleep.

life is pretty much monotonous that way. thanks to music and the journal to keep me sane. i'm high from music from listening to cds i compiled yesterday. i burned all my 300 mp3s into an mp3 cd because my drive C is only getting 3% free space which, according to the system, is way too low. so i deleted the picture files from the camera then burned them into another cd in hopes to make my computer run faster. i'm the only person in this house who would make the move. i'm the only one who cares about what happens to the computer anyway since i'm the one who spends most of my time in front of it. sigh.

bands that make me high:
1. Vertical Horizon
2. Dashboard Confessional
3. Good Charlotte

if i could turn back time, i would take up guitar lessons alongside with my piano lessons. then i'd proceed onto drums.

maybe it isn't too late (if i just had the time).

this is my life in a nutshell.

i almost jumped out of my skin had it not been for sanity

it's way past midnight. must be asleep at this hour. insomnia? nope. i had the fright of my life a few hours ago while watching tv with Amidala (the shih tzu). Amidala never barks, maybe because she's still a puppy. but tonight she did, simulatneously even. it scared me to death that i thought i was going to go crazy because she was barking at something (or someone?). she was looking at something/someone and she was very agitated, scared even as if she were staring at someone. she was scared to go to the dining room where she was napping earlier. she kept on looking at the one direction.

i dare not think about what she could have seen beside me at the living room. the freakiest thing was that we were all alone in an empty house- just me and her.

i get hurt too, you know

i've been awake since 8 this morning. that's how screwed up my biological clock is. i'm so used to waking up early now. first semester of junior year officially ended yesterday. hello, hell week until the 13th. i can't wait till sembreak, that i am sure of. i like school minus the stress.

yesterday i was hurt and angry inside. my ears felt like it was steaming but i shut up because i've never been too outspoken about what i really feel even if people are already stepping on me. pathetic, huh? so it got me thinking. i really hate people who make you feel like shit tactlessly. or maybe they're completely aware of it but they make it sound like they're not hurting you, like it's normal. i know, i'm not supposed to say this but it's my blog and i'll say what i want. plus, it's about time i went out in the open so that maybe some of you will try to think about it. i doubt that anyone cares about what i write here anymore anyway.

like i was saying, it still amazes me how people can hurt you in ways you can never imagine. what sucks more is that they can hurt you in "indirect" ways. remember Holden from "Catcher in the Rye"? he said that it kills him when people try to hurt or insult you. it kills him more whenever people say it in a nice way, you know, as if what they're saying doesn't hurt? i hate that too. Holden is my hero because we're similar in many ways. that's sad, isn't it? i feel like i'm compatible with a lot of characters from books. there should be some magic spell to make these characters come to life. wouldn't it be a happy world? by then no one will ever be alone again. not that i'm alone. i have so-called friends too, you know.

i'm not angst-ridden right now. i just feel like crap. maybe it's also partly my fault because i let them make me feel this way. so what now? i should hate myself? no. i won't let them. let them live their own pathetic lives and let them choke on their cups of sarcasm.

if i ever hurt anyone of you by being tactless, this is my chance to say i'm sorry. from this day on i will try not to speak negative thoughts about people because it's these negative thoughts that turn into words that break people. er, i hope you got that. it's such a sick sad world to live in when people think too highly of themselves without realizing that they're already stepping on the toes of other people (who have feelings too).

enough said.

one step at a time

i finally filled out and passed my application form for UP Pahinungod. Pahinungod is "oblation" in Cebuano. the oblation signifies offering oneself for the good. the UP Pahinungod is where anyone affiliated with UP can volunteer whether for health services, community services, or literacy training. doctors, nurses, faculty, or anyone related to UP can offer their help.

i've been wanting to do this since freshman year and now i finally did it. after my class i mentioned to mitchie about the Pahinungod plan and turned out that she really wanted to volunteer too. so we went to the main office at the Philippine General Hospital (where our previous class was) and therewe were entertained by a nice tall lady. she was so NICE. she briefed us about the program we want to volunteer for. it's Hospice Care. we're going to be like a support group for cancer patients. only, we're not going to do it by group but by individual. turned out that we were in good timing because the orientation/team building is next week (i don't know the exact date yet) but i'm really excited! before doing the proper hospital work, a volunteer would be evaluated first. "It's just like counselling", said the nice lady. of course if we have issues with ourselves how could we work with others, right? but that's okay. i have no issues whatsoever. i REALLY want to do this. this is MY CALLING and i'm offering myself. the reason why i am not outspoken about me wanting to do community service is that i'm afraid that people might call me a hypocrite or judge me for that matter. but yes, i'm saying it now. hopefully, people wil do the same- offer their services to the least fortunate. hey! we can't change the world but we can take little steps, right?

it's going to be hard, though. what if i become attached to my friend from the Cancer Ward and he/she dies? this is the hard part but i'm ready for it. at least i'm going to share a big part of my life and he/she will do the same as well.

i also volunteered for the street children program. i love kids! i want to read them storybooks!

so there. i hope everything goes well. when i filled out the application form, there was a question there whether i want to start

a. immediately
b. in a week
c. in a month

what did i choose? of course, immediately. :)