astig

so today after first class my friends and i went to the canteen to eat breakfast. when apple and i got there, we found a vacant table. but on the bench, we saw this...

HAHA! laugh trip! of course, we didn't have the heart to wake kitty up so we looked for another table instead after taking pictures of the cute little kitty sleeping like a baby.

& & &

my former school rocks! check the website out: www.diplomaticschoolyangon.com! there's this forum for ex-students and i just might find more of my grade school friends there. deeees eeees soooo coooool, man! but compared to the other ex-students, i'm one of the oldest already. HAHA! but it's a stellar idea to put up a website like that where DSY students (old or new) can get together because the student body is composed of diverse nationalities. even the locals move abroad for high school or college so it's a great way to come together after years of not being in touch. plus, i can't believe Daw Myo Myint is still the principal! OMG! she was the principal a year or two after i enrolled in nursery school!!! oh wow! this must be a world record!

thanks to my grade school best friend Esther for telling me about the newly-launched website. (what's your blog's URL again? i forgot! HAHA!)

speaking of Myanmar, i still haven't finished my seminar paper (topic: Myanmar: On the Road to Democracy). i figured it would be just fair if i wrote a paper on it because i lived there for 8 years. it was my home and it will always be. i had the best times growing up there. i miss everything about Yangon, even our road trips (that would take us for days) visiting historical places like Bagan and May-Myo. last semester, i studied Burmese history for Dr. Boncan's class and it was only then when i realized how historical Bagan was as the center of the Burmese Empire way back. plus, it's a different feeling when you realize that the places you've been to play a major role in the history of a country. makes you feel blessed you actually stepped on Burmese soil.

then there's politics in Myanmar. it's even much worse than the Philippines. or maybe they're on the same ground. i saw Aung San Suu Kyi in flesh just by taking the road where her house was. she's on house arrest so during that time while i was in the car we'd pass by her green gate where she would talk to her people from behind the gate guarded by soldiers. i knew she was someone important because i read her biography but i didn't reall understand Burmese politics then except when i keep hearing "Do-ye! Do-ye! Democracy ya-si ye!" when translated, it's their cry for democracy. college students go to the streets and fight for their grievances.

i also miss the food, the annual April water festival, and the people!

so yes, this paper has a sentimental value to me.

anyway, i will work on that. for now, i have to study for an exam tomorrow.

oh, according to a Are you a geek? a nerd? or a dork? test i took, i'm a NERD. what the hell?! i don't even like school! i was hoping that i'd score a geek. but noooo. i had to be the NERD. i still claim that i'm a GEEK.

this was the result:

Pure Nerd
65 % Nerd, 39% Geek, 26% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd.

The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful.

Congratulations!

& & &

but by definition, I AM A GEEK. take that!

take the test too from here!

good bye!

one rant before i go

i dream of a bright sunny day, big multi-colored umbrellas, a lounge chair, the feel of sand between and beneath my toes, the sound of waves crashing to the shore, and a tall glass of ripe mango shake (you can add a miniature umbrella to that just to finish the feel). the operative word being DREAM. it's the last week of classes but i feel like i still have two months to go before i taste sem break. exams and deadlines are lined up. it's like Hinduism. one has to go through an endless cycle (SAMSARA) to finally be free (MOKSHA). yes, the things you go through just to attain NIRVANA.

listening to house music isn't helping either because i'm bobbing my head up and down again. i should be working on my paper. read all my blockmates' blog and you'll get the same endless complaints like mine. most of us get migraines. we're stressed. or maybe we're not only the group of college students who are going through the same things. i'm sure other schools are also having their fair share of cramming, exams, and whatnot. i'm feeling a wee bit panicky. another imaginary kick on the butt for me for waiting the last minute to get things done. i can give a loud cry right now but that won't change a thing. i never change. i should change.

my mother is leaving for the States on friday and she might stay for months there. i'm going to miss her-- so much that i want to cry. i've been ignoring the nearing of the date of departure because i don't want her to go. i want to go with her! HAHA! but yeah, it's only going to be for a couple of months (graw, she won't be here for Christmas!) but at least she got her phone on roaming. so it's just my sister and i plus daddy dearest. i hope he won't tighten the leash on us because it's already really tight. i'm sure he can be the hip father he used to be BWAHAHA. i hope my mother gives him "the talk" about accepting that my sister and i are no longer children or whatever that will enlighten him to stop being paranoid about us leaving the house. then again, his love of his life won't be around for a couple of months... he might want my sister and i to be at home ALL THE TIME. yegads.

i'm out of here! i need to get a move on!

NO WAIT! i remember reading this poem and actually feeling that i was there in the woods on a snowy evening. this was a 10 year old me reading a Robert Louis Stevenson poem and daydreaming like i was actually in the freezing weather, tired and worn. i love the last two lines

Stopping By the Woods On A Snowy Evening
robert louis stevenson

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.



yep. and miles to go before i sleep. i can totally relate.

new layout

new lay out because i couldn't help myself. yes, it might look like i'm already in sembreak mode but i'm not because i am fully aware that i still have a lot of things to do. one of which is that econ exam tomorrow. sigh

oh, yesterday i colored my hair to brownish-red. it's not that noticeable as i hoped it would be but i think it's okay this way instead of having bright hair that won't suit my skin color. besides, i did say i wanted something different, not something that would scream HEY! I'M AN ANGST-RIDDEN 20 YEAR OLD. YES, ANGST-RIDDEN AND QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS STRICKEN. so yeah. i'm going to continue living in the shadows. it's safer in the shadows.

i thought i'd move the blog to gail.mess-up.org again because it's supposed to be my website. but i don't have enough time. 24 hours isn't even enough anymore. my body being so sleep-hungry lately isn't helping either. for two days straight i'd fall asleep as early as 8pm. like last thursday, i was supposed to cat nap. when i tried to wake up i couldn't bring myself to stand up because my eyes were so heavy. i ended up sleeping until the morning when i woke up 2 hours earlier than i should because i had two papers for econ.

must study now. good bye. blockmates, kaya niyo yan! (HAHA! kasi ako parang hindi. wahhh!)

grumpy me on a monday

i was grumpy the whole day. the reasons:

1. i wasn't able to sleep properly last night. thus, the lack of rest. i don't know why but it felt like i had 5 mugs of coffee and the caffeine kept me awake. ironically, i did not even have caffeine yesterday.

2. morning did not start well when my mother refused to let me commute all the way to Manila with an important thing inside my bag for fear it might get stolen and worse.. i might be killed. we tried calling the cab company for a ride but no one was available so my mother suggested that i rode with them to the hospital so she could hail me a cab there. as a result, i had to skip my next class which sparked another round of argument (a very short one at that...) because of my being absent and all.

so yes, i floated through the day with dark under-eye circles. my choice of blouse was a plain black collared one. black because that's what i felt inside and collared because mitchie and i were among the reporters for Prof Mateo's class. ho-hum. reporting went well, i guess. except for the fact that i apparently reported too fast and i swear i did not notice how fast i was going. by the time my part was done, prof mateo said "si Gail parang binabagyo mag report". BWAHAHA. sorry, ma'am. i'm like that when i'm nervous.

two more papers to go. a presentation on wednesday. gulp

one more week until the end of the semester then it's finals week. then the dreadful awaiting of classcards-- the final judgement. i hope i survive this sem. i'm close to having a nervous breakdown because of anxiety and everything else that goes around in my head whenever i have one of my panic attacks.

oh, before i end this... i also want to stress out how tiring it is to mope around the whole day. my family noticed how down i was. i don't know... must be all the stress that's piling up and the feeling that i might not get things done ON TIME. that scares me to death.

i need to sleep now. i've finished revising the first chapter of my thesis proposal. i misplaced the edited (by prof betan) part last week so i wasn't able to pass the revised first chapter along with the second chapter. ho-hum. at least it's done now!

good night!

documentary overload

i had a fever this morning until afternoon. i seem to have recovered from it by taking Panadol and Advil (not at the same time, of course). then i slept until i had enough energy to get up from bed. i showered for the second time because i felt icky although i slept in a very cold room. i think it was the heat coming out from my body because of the medicine.

the rest of the afternoon i was glued to the tv watching documentaries on The Discovery Channel.

documentary #1
the first documentary was called Brain Emotions. there were scientific explanations on psychosis like this man who killed his ex-wife when he violated the restraining order against him. he went to his ex's house and when the ex started calling the police, he snapped and killed her. in court, his defense lawyers claimed that he was mentally ill and should therefore be considered not guilty. according to a top forensic psychiatrist, his was a case of psychosis, alright but somehow his brain knew what he was doing. but this guy had a long history of violence whenever he snaps. when he was younger he bit his brother's ear (sounds familiar?) and threatened to kill a grade school teacher. neighbors as well as other people who knew him testified that he was even called "the fuse" before because he had a bad temper.

medical studies prove that this kind of bad temper which results to violence is hereditary. it's in the genes. plus, there's a certain part of the brain that excretes a certain type of substance that triggers anger. the man who killed his wife, for example, has the worst case of this substance. but he still lost his case and is now on death row.

this australian guy grew up in a family with a father who has the worst temper. his childhood was a nightmare, he said. there were times when he'd hide in a closet just to not watch his father's raging temper. when he became an adult, he subconsciously picked up his father's bad temper and the turning point was when he yelled at his children and realized that he was acting like his father. so he realized he had to change and devoted his time to teaching anger management to adult men who has the same genetic problem as he did.

i want to study psychology. man, the human mind is so fascinating!

documentary #2
i don't know why i watched it when i knew i was going to depress myself in the end. the 2nd documentary is called The Last Hour of Flight 11. yes, it's the plane that crashed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center in 2001 at New York City. from hearing the actual voice recording of two flight attendants who called the Boston control tower explaining the status of the hijacking of the plane's cockpit up to the crashing of the plain into the North Tower, it was unbelievable. i had goosebumps in the end. imagine what it must have felt like knowing how low the plane is flying and seeing the Twin Towers as they loom closer and closer.

at the end of the documentary, the husband of one of the flight attendants was interviewed along with the wife of a pilot and the husband of a woman who worked at the North Tower and was on the phone when the plane crashed into her office. she just broke the good news to her husband that they were going to have their baby.

***

the other day i watched a documentary on National Geographic. the show is called About Asia. last week featured the foot binding of Chinese (although it's no longer practiced today). the old Chinese women explained how excruciating it was for them as children when their tiny feet were wrapped with cloth and then bound to hinder its growth. as if this was not enough, their bones would break because of the binding and it would hurt to walk properly. when the colonizers came, they ordered a stop to the gruesome foot binding but not everyone complied even if it was punishable by law to not follow the order. Chinese men actually thought it was beautiful to have small lotus-shaped feet and it (sexually) aroused them.

this practice was started by an emperor who had a favorite concubine dance for him. this concubine wrapped her tiny feet and performed a dance for the emperor. the emperor was very pleased and soon, the art of foot binding spread throughout China until it became the basis of having beautiful feet. women were forced to have their foot bound because they were forced to by their families. men did not like women with big feet then so they only married women with lotus feet.

plus, men liked women with lotus feet because they're mostly a size 4 and this contrict their movements so they tend to depend on men a lot when moving about. talk about machismo.

but really, it must have hurt a lot. *shivers*

after About Asia, there was another documentary on White Elephants in Thailand. apparently, the white elephants are sacred there because they believe that white elephants are sent from heaven & it brings blessings. the present King of Thailand has the most white elephants in all the previous line of rulers of Thailand. he has 11 white elephants. before the appearance of a white elephant, it was said that a white monkey will appear first.

i haven't seen a white elephant. me wants to see one.

there's another documentary that i want to watch. it's a documentary on the Columbine High School shoot-out on the 26th on Discovery Channel.

okay i'll continue working on my report for history class now. buh-bie :)

bite me

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colours of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know
(away from the sun, three doors down)

is this PMS? or do i just really hate the world today for no apparent reason at all? i've been really down since this afternoon. someone explain! i already tried to sleep it off. twice, even. i'm a big sleeper like that. but i felt the same feeling when i woke up-- still downright depressed. i wish i could put my finger on what's wrong because i hate not knowing what's going on especially when it's my mind that's making me feel this way. outside the weather is cool-- the kind of weather that normally takes me on a high and makes me want to stop time. but tonight is different because while the weather outside is just right, inside i feel like a raging storm is brewing and i'm going to snap anytime.

PMS. yes, i'll blame it on PMS. i'd rather blame it on that than have nothing to blame my mood on.

So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
As the tears roll down.
’cause it’s the world I know.
It’s the world I know.
(the world i know, collective soul)

i love rainy days

today it rained and rained and rained and rained some more the whole day. the weather was chilly & i was happy but there were puddles everywhere. it was hard to walk to another place without getting the bottom of my jeans wet.

i deliberately skipped school today (two classes) because i had to attend the City Council session of Pasig city which happens only once a week-- every thursday at 10am. so last night i set the alarm to go off at 7am but because it was so comfortable under the covers this morning, i must have switched off the alarm when it went off (a very bad habit of mine that i can really do without). when i (finally) woke up i looked at the clock half-asleep. it was as if someone poured ice water over my head when i saw that the hands pointed to 8AM. quickly, i woke my sister up. took a shower. in one hour, we were already on the road. picked up breakfast from McDonald's and quickly ate in the car. my sister and her boyfriend drove me to Pasig City again. it was traffic on the way but i somehow forgot the fact that i was already running late for the session because i enjoyed the rainy weather so much.

fast forward to the session... i got to the Pasig City Convention Center at 10.30am. yes, i was late. but i went anyway. i got kind of lost until i finally asked the guy standing in front of the security guard where the city council session was. kind guy lead me to the hall. secretary took my name and the school i represent. twenty freezing minutes later (thank God for windbreakers), the session started. the Vice Mayor was nice, by the way. he shook everyone's hand before proceeding. there were microphones for the observers to hear what was being discussed. then i got the fright of my life when my name was mentioned and a councilor questioned my being there. the others jived in questioning why a student was observing & an old guy suggested that i come in front of everyone else and explain my being there. gulp. i don't really like speaking in front of a whole lot of people especially in front of VERY IMPORTANT PUBLIC OFFICIALS. but up i went anyway when my name was called. i explained every itsy-bitsy of my intentions starting from being a senior student at UP Manila to writing a research paper on the city of Pasig with focus on the administration. it was a tough act for me to put up with considering how freezing it was inside the hall and i was already shaking. but everything went well after i started to speak and when i saw the old important looking men smile. one even joked that i should give them a copy of my paper. double gulp.

the rest of the day, i struggled to keep my eyes open because the weather was lulling me to sleep. at one point during the day, i got really sleepy that i fell asleep on my sister's bed. if it weren't for Alej's phone call i would have slept throught the afternoon. another novena-mass at St. Jude. i really look forward to thursdays because going to mass there feels different. i don't know. spiritual or psychological or both. doesn't matter.

totally unrelated: my father drives me to school on fridays and because parking at his work is usually full by past 7am, he likes leaving the house at 6am. wahh! travel time on early mornings is just 30 minutes so i get to school at 6.30am. yes, THAT EARLY! sometimes when i get to the hallway where my classroom is, the janitor isn't even there. he's my basis whether i'm too early because he usually gets in early. so when i know that kuya isn't there yet, i know i'm too early. it gets scary too when you're alone in the hallway because it's usually eerily quiet.

and, hey, you! i like the way my hand fits perfectly with yours.

semi-productive. must be going somewhere.

I was pretty productive today. Aside from starting on the second chapter of my thesis proposal, I was able to FINALLY burn a cd of Professor Talampas's readings sent through email for Apple. I was also able to find the brochures/leaflets/booklets I got during my two-month practicum at the Philippine General Hospital doing research on HIV/AIDS. I organized them into a single long envelope just so all my research materials will be within reach (knowing how much of a scatterbrain I am). Plus, I was able to write a write-up for someone who needed my help for work.

i was also able to watch Guess Who? with Alej this afternoon when he dropped by after his errands (which is countless, if you'd ask me). Alla has a big crush on Alej! see? there's chemistry! HAHAHA!!!



The only things I need to do before my 2:30pm class tomorrow is to:
1. burn a cd of pictures from past org's activities for the yearbook.
2. write a write-up for the block & a course description for the yearbook.

Hurray. I'm moving forward. I told Alej how much I'm scared to fall behind especially when I'm so close to the finish line. Then again, someone asked why I'm such in a hurry to grow up when I'm still too young to fast forward time. "What's the use?" he asked. "You'll end up looking back & wish you weren't too future-minded anyhow!". Er, okay. I get your point.

anyway, while i was looking for the research materials i was able to rummage the bookshelf & found this mini notebook where i used to write random things in high school. there were unfinished poems, mad rants like how much i hated school & that my crush looked me in the eye (hehe!), & several quotes from text messages that were sent to me. among all these scribbles stood out this paragraph. i don't remember where i copied it from so here's me crediting whoever wrote this (you're a genius, really):

"i personally come from a dark place, a city of self. i have seen ways of selfishness. i have seen it fail miserably. when self-indulgence rules, everyone loses, & in the end, those striving for personal gains are left nothing of real value. because everything that we will know in this life of any real value comes from the relationships we have with those we love. because there is nothing material or superficial that can measure against the tangibles of true love & friendship."

sigh

it's almost 1.30am. i must be really caffeinated to stay up this late. right? RIGHT! i had three glasses of Coke today. all that sugar & caffeine for the sake of the feel of fizz going down my throat. why do softdrinks have to be addictive?

okay that's for another time. good night erm.. morning.

crazy monday mornings

i woke up today praying for classes to be cancelled because of the transport strike. grumpily, i dragged myself off the bed after texting apple & then went straight downstairs to the living room to watch the news on the tv. i had less than an hour to shower and fix my things but i was still on the couch half asleep watching tv! so anyway, it was a big disappointment when the newscaster announced that classes weren't suspended. 45 minutes later i was still walking around the house trying to ready my things. picked up pens, a green highlighter, three notebooks, and a big book & threw it into my black book bag. breakfast? what breakfast? i don't really eat breakfast because the 30 minutes alotted for eating breakfast was sacrificed for 30 minutes more sleep.

on the ride to school traffic was light. with music playing from the earphones, i started bobbing my head to house music until the UST fine arts student in front shot me a weird look. okay, i'll behave. i was seated at the back where the sun shone so brightly that its rays pricked my skin of heat. i started to worry that i might smell of sweat by the time i get to school. so far so good. time check: 10AM. so i ran late again. at 10.30am i entered the gates of CAS and rushed to class. lo and behold! the professor was absent. huffing and puffing, i went straight to the cybernook to kill time.

so that was how crazy this morning was. i'm hungry but maybe food can wait until later after my second and last class.

20 minutes to go and i'm out of here. bye!

Lose Control

i have to confess that i like Jasmine Trias's Lose Control song. shooooot meeee! i just ate my words! when there was Jasmine fever in Manila after her American Idol stint, her face was everywhere along EDSA: on billboards, posters at McDonald's, for BENCH, and tv advertisements. it drove me crazy. plus, as if the Pinoys couldn't get enough of Jasmine... the McDonald's song played on the radio all the time! so you can't really blame me for thinking that the Jasmine hype became too ridiculous to bear. but the second time i heard Lose Control, i thought it was an upbeat song that i could listen to when i feel like i'm in a sing-song-i-wanna-dance mood. each person has his/her own "thing". my "thing" is that i like to dance when no one's watching. as in the i-don't-care-if-i-look-stupid kind of dance! my favorite song to dance to when i'm down in the dumps? I Believe by Yolanda Adams from the HONEY movie soundtrack (my favorite feel-good movie too). dancing is good therapy, i tell you. sometimes i get caught by my sister HAHA! but it's okay, she may think i'm crazy but it's a good form of work out!

anyway, rewind to a few days back... i caught Ina on YM & i started ranting on norms-- on what's wrong & what's right & who has the right to say what's right from wrong. then i said:

"20 is the time to be rebellious!"

yes, folks. this is me shamefully quoting myself from a YM conversation i had with Ina. it was only then when i realized that because before i thought saying "being 20 is different from having the suffix teen attached to your age" was overrated. so now i'm saying it: IT'S NOT! according to J.C. in another conversation in YM, "we're in a quarter-life crisis!". oh yes! some of the best & most meaningful conversations happen in Yahoo Messenger daily, folks! or maybe if ONLY you're a big computer geek like i am. but he's also right. i should keep my feet on the ground. while it's good to see what the view is like from the edge, it's also very important that i learn to balance myself or else i'd trip over & fall.

but 20 is probably the start of the "the age of exploration". HAHA! nevermind "rebellion" because saying "the age of rebellion" connotes a certain negativity. no, i'm not thinking about drugs nor will i do anything stupid. it's just a feeling that i want to take in because i feel like i'm a free spirit floating through life & let it remain that way for now before i come down to earth again.

i love GOD & i'm proud of it!

i want a Make Poverty History silicon wrist band to show support for the campaign but my parents are making a huge fuss about ordering it online & using their credit cards. but it's just £1!! sigh i'll just have to stick to the virutal "white band" on this blog. or maybe i can send the money through mail, right? hrmm... i just might do that. but the shipping might cost me more than the actual silicon band itself!

Singles for Christ people have been texting me and ate Grace called me last thursday asking if i'd attend the meeting at the church. the thing is, i had to study that night so i passed again. they're asking me to joing SFC because they're the ones handling the Gawar Kalinga project. i figured if i want to try what it's like doing volunteer work, i should start with a small unit, right? then Paul gave me tips on how to start with an NGO... he said i should apply for internship first or volunteer to see what it's like working for an NGO.

i'm taking baby steps for me to achieve my goals. pray for me!

The Universal Prayer

i love this poem. i was introduced to it in lit class by Ms. Jo.

FATHER of all! In every age,
In ev'ry clime ador'd,
By saint, by savage, and by sage,
Jehovah, Jove, or Lord!

Thou Great First Cause, least understood,
Who all my sense confin'd
To know but this, that Thou art good,
And that myself am blind:

Yet gave me, in this dark estate,
To see the good from ill;
And, binding Nature fast in Fate,
Left free the human Will.

What Conscience dictates to be done,
Or warns me not to do;
This teach me more than Hell to shun,
That more than Heav'n pursue.

What blessings thy free bounty gives
Let me not cast away;
For God is paid when man receives;
T' enjoy is to obey.

Yet not to earth's contracted span
Thy goodness let me bound,
Or think thee Lord alone of man,
When thousand worlds are round.

Let not this weak, unknowing hand
Presume thy bolts to throw,
And teach damnation round the land
On each I judge thy foe.

If I am right, thy grace impart,
Still in the right to stay;
If I am wrong, O teach my heart
To find that better way.

Save me alike from foolish Pride
Or impious Discontent,
At aught thy wisdom has denied,
Or aught that goodness lent.

Teach me to feel another's woe,
To right the fault I see:
That mercy I to others show,
That mercy show to me.

Mean tho' I am, not wholly so,
Since quicken'd by thy breath;
O lead me whereso'er I go,
Thro' this day's life or death!

This day be bread and peace my lot:
All else beneath the sun
Though know'st if best bestow'd or not,
And let Thy will be done.

To Thee, whose temple is of Space,
Whose altar earth, sea, skies,
One chorus let all Beings raise!
All Nature's incense rise!

-Alexander Pope

when i say i love GOD & believe in the power He has over me, it won't even justify the amount of love i have for Him. if it weren't for my FAITH in Him, i would have crumbled like a cookie already. i can feel His love all around me & my prayers being answered in many ways when i asked Him to guide me to the direction. i would not have realized my purpose in life without Him showing it to me. He gave me this HEART of mine to be big enough to accomodate my love for LIFE and people around me- be it strangers or not. sometimes i lie awake at night & think about the wrong things that came/come my way but then it would hit me that there is no such thing as "the wrong thing" because everything in my life-- along with the people in it are purposely sent my way for a purpose-- a reason i may not know at present but will be shown to me in an epiphany.

He works in mysterious ways no matter how many times we've heard it over & over. but with my faith like a child, i chose to BELIEVE. with His grace, i am seeing the world in a different light because no matter how harsh the world can be to a little helpless girl like me, there are still good things that are worth living for.

my prayer is for me to learn how to live for HIM & for others rather than for myself alone. with all my heart i thank Him for both blessings & trials that come my way because i am a weak person.

with Him in my heart i know i will be fine.

my apologies to Him if there may be times when i seem to be ungrateful or if i question Him. i know His love for me will always be with me no matter how hard the times.

that's the power of believing.

this is my song for the moment for Him. i read the lyrics from Leean & fell in love. listening to it sets me on a natural high. like i can go through anything :) listen to it! pleeeease?

Dear Lord (Sonicflood)

Dear Lord, this pain inside me
Tears me apart
And Lord the more it hurts
The harder my heart

Oh, in my darkest hour
Your love comes shining through
Your word is true and You make all things new
And I know You're all I need
You say You're here and You calm my fears
And i know You'll never leave


Dear Lord, my heart is breaking
Breaking in two
And Lord my spirit's torn and
Crushed without You


Higher than the stars that shine
And deeper than the sea
Is my Savior's precious love
Your love has set me free
Set me free

i'm going to share with you my "gospel" playlist that i always listen to:

I Will Sing Forever - Bukas Palad
Best Friend - Puff Daddy
The Prayer - Charlotte Church & Josh Groban
I Offer My Life - Don Moen
Here I Am, Lord -
One More Gift - Bukas Palad
Testify to Love - Avalon
Joyful, Joyful - Sister Act soundtrack
Shackles (Praise You) - Mary Mary
Lead Me Lord - Gary V.
Take Me Out of the Dark - Gary V.
Trading My Sorrows - Sonicflood
I'm Coming Back to the Heart of Worship - Sonicflood
Dear Lord - Sonicflood
Dreams - Jars of Clay
I Could Sing of Your Love Forever - Jars of Clay
Awesome God - Jars of Clay
Faith Like a Child - Jars of Clay
Life Me Up - Jars of Clay
Thankful - Mary Mary
Break Me - Gary Valenciano

may all of us have a blessed weekend! i know i will because my org (Organization of Area Studies Majors) is going to have a clean-up activity at the Manila Bay early at 6.30am tomorrow. wow! i want to see the sunrise! but 6.30 is too late for that. lets see if i can wake up earlier.

i hate being a procrastinator

i'm becoming such a slacker. why oh why?! i want to give myself an imaginary kick on the butt. really. i'm beginning to hate myself more & more. shit. why do i let my failures get to me?

i hate the fact that i hate myself because i have no choice but to deal with me. i'm stuck in this body with a whacked mind forever. i might as well learn how to live with it.

i'm confusing. sometimes i hate myself, sometimes i can live with myself. argh! complications, man. if only i can look at the brighter side of things. i should repeat this mantra over & over again:

i will finish that seminar paper
i will write that seminar paper NOW.
i will no longer procrastinate.
i will kick myself on the butt if i do.

i must finish it today! i've been attempting to write that paper since last week! sometimes i'd go as far as reading a book and jotting down notes. then when i open the computer to start typing the first part of the paper... my I.Q. resets to zero & i start backing away from the machine & go to sleep. then the next time i attempt to write the paper, it happens all over again until a week later i still haven't written a page!

but i will do that now. you wait & see.

like all bad things that come my way, there are still good things that even it all out. i just need to knock my head against the wall to remember that.

(amidala is asleep under the table & she's snoring really loudly! HAHAHA!)

what would you do if you weren't afraid?

I remember from Who Moved My Cheese? (Dr. Spencer Johnson) about the question to ask yourself whenever you're afraid of taking a step because of your fears:

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

So what would I really do?

1. One of my wildest fantasies is to step on the edge of a cliff, spread my arms wide (think Titanic style haha), close my eyes and let the breeze blow real strong. I'd then listen to the waves crashing to the rocks below. I don't want to die this way, though. Like do something stupid in the middle of it all & fall to my death who-knows-how-many-feet below.

2. I also want to go bungee jumping or skydiving. I've always been a chicken when it comes to heights. I can't even ride a small roller coaster (erm, except in freshman year high school). I want to live like that-fearless. Like Death does not even exist. That would really be an awesome way to live.

3. I want to leave school. Or maybe finish my studies just to say "I got my degree, worship me!" (I'm joking or maybe not…). I want to leave school then study art history, photography, & writing. For art history, I appreciate art. I want to know more about the world of art because I know only a little amount of it. I want to visit Europe & its lovely museums or better yet, live there or in New York where I can visit museums any time I like. For photography, I want to study photography-as in pay for a good education on photography. Joey suggested a photography school in NYC. If I have sufficient funds in the future, I will go there. I must go there. Then there's writing. Writing is my first love. I no nothing about creative writing save for some crappy poems & several short-stories I wrote in high school. My English teachers in high school enlarged my head by repeatedly urging me to write more. For that I am grateful because I discovered that writing is really my passion. But what are my outputs from this passion? THIS STUPID blog. No wait. I'm sorry blog, I called you stupid. I love you. You know that *hugs blog* haha. Okay I'm crazy now. But really. I think I need to write more significant pieces like articles that really make sense. Or children's books! I want to write storybooks for children. (if you know a workshop that teaches storywriting for children, do tell me). Creative writing, in general, is what I want to study. The world of a writer isn't as financially stable as other professions are but if it's passion we're talking about, I don't know.. I say go for it?

4. I want to be a songwriter. I love songs with poetic lyrics. Think Sarah Maclachlan and other rock bands that have lyrics written beautifully. I want to be able to do that & hear my songs being sung by some kick-ass crooner. Or better yet, teach me how to play the guitar & I'll sing my songs! HAHA! Fat. Chance.


to summarize it all, i want to be a fearless all-around chick, a photographer, a writer, a songwriter, and an art history major.

life is too short to do all the things we want but it doesn't have to stay that way. maybe there's still time.

track no.5 no more

there's a most played song in the ipod.. Ever After by Bonnie Bailey (Hed Kandi Beach House 0404). yey! see? i finally know the artist! when i first heard the song on the radio (i think it was on magic 89.9) one fine thursday afternoon, i jumped in delight. you know the feeling of excitement when hearing a good song on the radio before mp3s even came into existence? it's like you want to know the title & artist of the song so you listen to the radio all day hoping to catch your favorite. so when my sister's boyfriend asked his friend who also likes house music to burn him a cd, i had this very strong feeling that Ever After was in the mix. guess what? it really was!!! yey! i've played it over & over since then. today i found out who the artist is behind the song (thanks, Jr! HEHE!).

the song perfectly says everything i want to say at the moment:

Ever After by Bonnie Bailey
Hed Kandi: Beach House 0404

Three years ago my journey began
Chasing down this cure, no plan in hand
Just your pulse, my racing guide in the dark
Just knowing with conviction from the start

The moment your eyes made an introduction
I felt my second violent breath of life
Flawless to the point of being godly
Yet I fell hard for your imperfections

Chorus
And now we’re slightly weathered, we’re slightly worn
Our hands grip together eye to eye through the storm yet
I still believe in ever after with you, yeah
Coz life is a pleasure with you by my side
And there ain’t no current in this river we can’t ride
I still believe in ever after with you

Nothing compares to the good times
Feels like we’re floating when the rest have to climb
You made me believe in love and not the perfect kind
A real messy beautiful twisted sunshine
Emotions volcanic eruptions
We both still care so we’re still alive
Tunnel vision, determination
I want you I want to make it right

Chorus

You are my twisted sunshine
You are my twisted sunshine

Chorus

everytime i play this song i become really perky & i dance like crazy when no one's watching. :)

to be or not to be NORMAL

my sister was browsing a Friendster profile of one of her philo professors. when i read the profile, i was like "WOW!". i like the way he thinks. i wanted to message him but he might get freaked out. i'm like a crazy fan girl worshipping the mind of some stranger i don't know. but judging by the little details my sister shared, all i can say is that this professor has a brilliant mind.

it's not just his take on education that's alarming. it's the way he perceives life. this brings me to my next topic...

ever since i can remember i've always wanted to become normal. to fit in. to stand out in the crowd. to stick to the rules without questions asked. i breezed through high school (fortunately) without even trying to fit in. but when i think about it, i think it was because i went with the flow, followed the rules, won my battles & came out as a winner.

high school was this battle ground for adolescents in which they struggle each day to be themselves. when i hear or read about angst-ridden rants of teenagers these days, i just smile. they fuss about what brand of clothes to wear, where to hang out to fit in, to smoke or not to smoke (not that i have anything about it.. it's smoking to seem cool that bothers me) & little things such as insecurities because they let media dictate what's admirable & what's not. i've been there. done that. although my life was on track, i still cried tears that were not meant to be shed-- i hated myself for having zit break-outs, worried because i was skinny & scrawny (IN HIGH SCHOOL), stressed over grades & which university to go to... the list goes on. i want to tell these teenagers that it's just angst-- that it shall pass & years from now they'll laugh because they let society dictate what's right from wrong, what's desirable from what's not, & the like.

i am a walking contradiction of what i used to believe years ago. i was close-minded to other people's opinions. what i thought was right was all that mattered & the right thing was what i did. but now i think...the right thing? what is the definition of right? society dictates what's right or wrong. so do i go with the flow or detach myself from norms?

here are some of the hits from dictionary.com on "right":

right
adj. right er, right est
Conforming with or conformable to justice, law, or morality: do the right thing and confess.
In accordance with fact, reason, or truth; correct: the right answer.
Fitting, proper, or appropriate: It is not right to leave the party without saying goodbye.
Most favorable, desirable, or convenient: the right time to act.

if being normal means living life like a puppet- with strings attached dictating my every move & how i live, i realize that i don't want to be normal anymore. of course, i still want to do things that are acceptable but i'm already skeptical about it. like i'm lost again. i no longer believe that i should do certain things because that's what i'm supposed to be doing. i don't want to be tied to norms nor do i want to stereotype people any longer. what may be right for others may not be right for some so obviously, what may be wrong for others may not be wrong for some.

i hate it when people are quick to judge & quick to impose on others what they believe is right. where did freedom to be oneself go? people should have enough room to grow as individuals, to explore the great unknown, & learn from this great journey we call LIFE. it is ok to guide people but never to impose.

i realized that how i'm living now... all my beliefs & what i used to believe made me a better person because i've been to both sides of the fence. i know what it's like to follow the rules. i also know what it's like to close the book of rules for a while & feel how liberating it is to open my mind because it's surprising how i discovered that not all things that i thought were RIGHT was RIGHT all along.

what's going on?

September 01, 2005
St. Jude Church, Manila

uuuuyy! ano kaya meron? HAHAHA!!! basta it has something to do with a rose, a question, an answer, & a note! :)

* * *

horrifying! read:

1. Rapes, killings hit Katrina refugees in New Orleans
2. Murder and mayhem in New Orleans' miserable shelter

horrifying! animals! they're supposed to ease the pain & suffering of the refugees not END it or add more to the misery!

plus, i read this news article from TIME online the other day about the stampede in Iraq. 600+ people died either from suffocation or from falling off the bridge. all were pilgrims. the reason: someone pulled a prank about a suicide bomber.

what's happening to the world?

INA: you're in feminist mode right? a must read for feminists (like me! HEHE): The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. go! takbo na sa bookstore!

____________

i saw the video of gary valenciano's new song "Break Me". i tried searching for the lyrics but couldn't find it. it's that new. so anyway, i love the line that went like this:

trusting you enough to break me then to make me whole.

isn't that the most beautiful line in a song? it's the best way to be humble & ask God to take over even in times of trials!

plus, Sarah Mclachlan will forever rock my world :) Fallen is my theme song. listening to it over & over the past few weeks made me realize how much it totally speaks my mind:

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Fallen,Sarah Mclachlan

if you haven't heard the song, do yourselves a favor & listen to it :)

oh yessh! what a lovely day!

i'm sarcastic today (but i won't bite your head off)

i had little sleep last night studying for the econ exam. oh the joys of cramming! (i'm being sarcastic just in case some of you think i like cramming).

i'm at an internet place at Robinson's Place. i really hate paying too much for internet in a public place when i can surf all day and night at home. but because of desperation to amuse myself while killing time, i'm here. oh, speaking of overpriced internet and printing services, i had a colored picture (for the paper which i forgot to print at home) printed and you know how much i paid for a stupid picture? 40 pesos! i could have printed it on photo paper from a photo printer at home for FREE! argh. but i'll shut up now because this is the only thing that's keeping me sane right now because i hate waiting. really.

i haven't eaten lunch yet too. all i had for breakfast was a piece of pandesal and water. no wait. i didn't even drink water! i've been awake since 4am this morning. go me! lets hope i won't fall asleep here anytime soon.

i can't wait for the weekend. nevermind the studying i still have to do and two papers more to write. at least i'll get to take time off to sleep.

my friends and i complain that we don't have "t.v. lives" anymore. no more C.S.I. every week. i don't even know if the 4th season of ALIAS is aready showing on AXN. try as i might to follow every single episode of Desperate Housewives, i can't seem to remember when it shows. or by the time i remember, the day had already passed.

good thing i bring my ipod mini with me everywhere i go. by plugging the earphones in my ears, i get to warn off people that I DO NOT WANT TO BE BOTHERED. mwahahaha!

okay bye! i'm going to amuse myself some more.