i hate being a procrastinator

i'm becoming such a slacker. why oh why?! i want to give myself an imaginary kick on the butt. really. i'm beginning to hate myself more & more. shit. why do i let my failures get to me?

i hate the fact that i hate myself because i have no choice but to deal with me. i'm stuck in this body with a whacked mind forever. i might as well learn how to live with it.

i'm confusing. sometimes i hate myself, sometimes i can live with myself. argh! complications, man. if only i can look at the brighter side of things. i should repeat this mantra over & over again:

i will finish that seminar paper
i will write that seminar paper NOW.
i will no longer procrastinate.
i will kick myself on the butt if i do.

i must finish it today! i've been attempting to write that paper since last week! sometimes i'd go as far as reading a book and jotting down notes. then when i open the computer to start typing the first part of the paper... my I.Q. resets to zero & i start backing away from the machine & go to sleep. then the next time i attempt to write the paper, it happens all over again until a week later i still haven't written a page!

but i will do that now. you wait & see.

like all bad things that come my way, there are still good things that even it all out. i just need to knock my head against the wall to remember that.

(amidala is asleep under the table & she's snoring really loudly! HAHAHA!)

what would you do if you weren't afraid?

I remember from Who Moved My Cheese? (Dr. Spencer Johnson) about the question to ask yourself whenever you're afraid of taking a step because of your fears:

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

So what would I really do?

1. One of my wildest fantasies is to step on the edge of a cliff, spread my arms wide (think Titanic style haha), close my eyes and let the breeze blow real strong. I'd then listen to the waves crashing to the rocks below. I don't want to die this way, though. Like do something stupid in the middle of it all & fall to my death who-knows-how-many-feet below.

2. I also want to go bungee jumping or skydiving. I've always been a chicken when it comes to heights. I can't even ride a small roller coaster (erm, except in freshman year high school). I want to live like that-fearless. Like Death does not even exist. That would really be an awesome way to live.

3. I want to leave school. Or maybe finish my studies just to say "I got my degree, worship me!" (I'm joking or maybe not…). I want to leave school then study art history, photography, & writing. For art history, I appreciate art. I want to know more about the world of art because I know only a little amount of it. I want to visit Europe & its lovely museums or better yet, live there or in New York where I can visit museums any time I like. For photography, I want to study photography-as in pay for a good education on photography. Joey suggested a photography school in NYC. If I have sufficient funds in the future, I will go there. I must go there. Then there's writing. Writing is my first love. I no nothing about creative writing save for some crappy poems & several short-stories I wrote in high school. My English teachers in high school enlarged my head by repeatedly urging me to write more. For that I am grateful because I discovered that writing is really my passion. But what are my outputs from this passion? THIS STUPID blog. No wait. I'm sorry blog, I called you stupid. I love you. You know that *hugs blog* haha. Okay I'm crazy now. But really. I think I need to write more significant pieces like articles that really make sense. Or children's books! I want to write storybooks for children. (if you know a workshop that teaches storywriting for children, do tell me). Creative writing, in general, is what I want to study. The world of a writer isn't as financially stable as other professions are but if it's passion we're talking about, I don't know.. I say go for it?

4. I want to be a songwriter. I love songs with poetic lyrics. Think Sarah Maclachlan and other rock bands that have lyrics written beautifully. I want to be able to do that & hear my songs being sung by some kick-ass crooner. Or better yet, teach me how to play the guitar & I'll sing my songs! HAHA! Fat. Chance.


to summarize it all, i want to be a fearless all-around chick, a photographer, a writer, a songwriter, and an art history major.

life is too short to do all the things we want but it doesn't have to stay that way. maybe there's still time.

track no.5 no more

there's a most played song in the ipod.. Ever After by Bonnie Bailey (Hed Kandi Beach House 0404). yey! see? i finally know the artist! when i first heard the song on the radio (i think it was on magic 89.9) one fine thursday afternoon, i jumped in delight. you know the feeling of excitement when hearing a good song on the radio before mp3s even came into existence? it's like you want to know the title & artist of the song so you listen to the radio all day hoping to catch your favorite. so when my sister's boyfriend asked his friend who also likes house music to burn him a cd, i had this very strong feeling that Ever After was in the mix. guess what? it really was!!! yey! i've played it over & over since then. today i found out who the artist is behind the song (thanks, Jr! HEHE!).

the song perfectly says everything i want to say at the moment:

Ever After by Bonnie Bailey
Hed Kandi: Beach House 0404

Three years ago my journey began
Chasing down this cure, no plan in hand
Just your pulse, my racing guide in the dark
Just knowing with conviction from the start

The moment your eyes made an introduction
I felt my second violent breath of life
Flawless to the point of being godly
Yet I fell hard for your imperfections

Chorus
And now we’re slightly weathered, we’re slightly worn
Our hands grip together eye to eye through the storm yet
I still believe in ever after with you, yeah
Coz life is a pleasure with you by my side
And there ain’t no current in this river we can’t ride
I still believe in ever after with you

Nothing compares to the good times
Feels like we’re floating when the rest have to climb
You made me believe in love and not the perfect kind
A real messy beautiful twisted sunshine
Emotions volcanic eruptions
We both still care so we’re still alive
Tunnel vision, determination
I want you I want to make it right

Chorus

You are my twisted sunshine
You are my twisted sunshine

Chorus

everytime i play this song i become really perky & i dance like crazy when no one's watching. :)