for some strange reason i feel like a lost little girl right now. maybe it's because of the caffeine that's making my heart pump like there's no tomorrow. or maybe it's the fact that i feel a little sad for not being able to hang out with my high school friends on a saturday night for raiza's birthday bash at her house then eastwood after.

i've mentioned this a couple of times before: one REALLY does get lost in a crowd. i feel pathetic each time i try to answer what life really means. i thought it was all about setting priorities straight, counting your blessings, doing what you love to do, and having FAITH in yourself and in GOD. or something to that effect. but each time i'm bombarded with obstacles that i painstakingly have to face whether i like it or not, i feel like a little girl again-- scared of what is yet to come. perhaps i think too much or i stress out the small stuff a lot. i can't help it. maybe i lack the confidence that i will make it out there someday-- that i won't fail myself when i finally get the chance to become what i want to become in the future.

maybe no one's supposed to find out what life really means. maybe it's not about trying to find the answer of what life is but actually LIVING IT.

during the ride back home from the hospital earlier today, my aunt asked if i wanted to go to law school because my cousin is going. a part of me wanted to shout, "OH YES!" but i'm too much of a scaredy cat to admit that i might think about the possibility. i looked out the window and watched everything outside the car swoosh in a fleeting moment and started to think: "What if i won't make it?". not just law school but to be what i dream of in the future in general. i hate it when i doubt myself. i feel like i lack the capabilities of becoming something that i yearn to be. i'm not saying that i have great expectations. all i want is to work for a humanitarian organization and be able to see the world and meet people of different races. you might think that i expect too much out of the world. no. i do not. believe me, i have learned that expecting too much just robs more energy and self-esteem out of you. i've learned to take things as they come and not slack off while i'm at it. but still, i'm scared.

i need more faith in myself and i need to coax ME to believe that things will come my way at the right time. sometimes it's just tiring to have that much faith, you know? sometimes you want to give up the fight and say, "Fine, i'll take whatever's going to come my way... i'll stop trying." but i'm thankful because as of the moment i don't want to do that. perhaps this is just a phase-- a kind to test my endurance on how long i am able to be there for myself before attaining true happiness.

i'm sure there's a pot of gold somewhere. or maybe there isn't a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. it's right in front of me, i'm just not looking.

*

on the lighter note, i noticed how much green things i have last night after i got "Margaret", that free little stuffed teddy bear that comes with a Yan-Yan :) i want to collect all!

i was so tired last night that i numbered the graphic wrong: 1,2,3,5,6. gahh! sorry folks! :P

1. Margaret (the Yan Yan Bear) that's Margaret. she has green arms and legs. i got it free from a little box of Yan Yan. i'm going to collect all kinds of stuffed teddies. she's my (ancient) cellphone's new buddy!
2. soap dish that's the soap dish for my tomato garden soap. i love green!
3. green froggy i got the froggies from Saisaki last year. it came free from the buffet.
5. closer view of Margaret. she's so cute!
6. :) my toothbrush
7. my green shirt

i love green!

oh, i also finished the whole 3rd season of ALIAS and it seriously kicked ass!!! i'm like a little kid watching her favorite cartoon whenever i watch ALIAS. i'm seriously in love with Michael Vartan a.k.a. Michael Vaughn. <3 who said i don't have a love life?!