nothing can bring me down, i can only learn to rise above

I had a bad day today, one that tops all the the days of my life. Perhaps it is more appropriate to say that the past 12 days have been really bad for me. You see, I got sick. I got forced to rely on other people to take care of me and do things that I should do but could not because I was confined to stay at home and to bed rest. It was the worst feeling in the world to be stripped off of all your strength to do the things you want to do (like attend classes) yet you have no choice because you have to get better healthwise.

I cried a couple of nights feeling lonely and my body was just whacked out sick. I felt sorry for myself for being in such a pitiful state and that I was going to be unproductive for days. I asked God "WHY ME?" and cursed myself for being the center of a storm everytime as if I'm a walking disaster that could go off any minute. I've been getting ill for different reasons and I couldn't accept how fragile I am and how helpless I am to stay healthy with massive efforts that I've been pouring. I thought I was strong enough to get through it all and I questioned my credibility to do the things I want to do. I thought that maybe I'm not cut out for life, that maybe I'm a "factory defect" of some sort. I also worried about how much of a burden I was to my family, friends, and my boyfriend. Especially my family and my boyfriend. He took care of me the whole time I was sick and he did things that I needed to be done like groceries and other errands. It was extremely hard for me to rely on people and impose a heavy burden on them by worrying about me endlessly even if I tell them not to. My parents are out of the country and the whole time they were so worried about my well-being that it broke my heart every single day I spoke or texted them. My sister who is pregnant also worried about me. I guess I'm very lucky in that departmen-- of being loved by so many but again, I feel helpless. I wish I could not let people worry about me all the time and I wish I could do things for me if only I didn't get sick a lot. But like any other bad days of my life, there was still that ray of hope that tells me that everything happens for a reason and that I'm going to pull myself through even stronger than before and life would resturn back to normal.

Today I found out that I might miss two more classes. I already missed three classes and two quizzes. I already cried after finding out that I might miss two more. I stressed myself over thinking about how I'd be able to catch up and whether I would be given make up quizzes. You see, it's not just about the missed classes. Maybe the whole 12 days I got sick it's all coming to burn me out now. I'm so burned out from being helpless for 12 days. I just want my life to be normal again. I want to stop worrying about school and how I would catch up. I want to start living life again without worrying about being a burden to people.

I guess the lesson after all this is that I need to continue to stay strong. I can't let this bring me down because what happened to me was inevitable. I wouldn't know how to prevent getting sick like that. I try to be healthy, I really do. I've come to accept that maybe God has a better plan for me even if the true intent of what's happening isn't clear to me for now. I realize that I am irrational at my fragile state because I panic at the thought of not being in control of things. I am not in control anymore. I'm giving it up to God. I need to thank my family, my friends, and most especially Alej for taking care of me during this whole mess.

From this day on I will promise myself to not fall apart like I did today because I should be stronger after all this, not weaker in spirit. I know I'm in good hands and I should accept things that I cannot change because life happens and it's up to us how to take it. I'm not saying that I'm instantly better now. Maybe it is a process that takes time to reap before finally harvesting its fruits. I just need to stay strong physically and emotionally.

I was surfing blogs until I came across this:

DON'T DOUBT IT

It is a matter especially of cultivating this courage and this fearlessness in the inmost depth of the mental life. The disciple must learn never to despair. He must be equal to the thought - "I will forget that I have again failed in this matter. I will try once more as though nothing at all has happened."

Thus he will fight his way on to the firm conviction that the Universe contains an inexhaustible fountain of strength from which he may drink. He must aspire again and again to the Divine, which will uplift and support him, however feeble and impotent the mortal part of his being may prove. He must be capable of pressing on towards the future, undismayed by experiences of the past.

--Rudolf Steiner

After this storm is over I am getting on my feet again and I will fight my way to this world, gather strength from the Universe and drink it like what Mr. Steiner said. Nothing can bring me down, I can only learn to rise above.

Can't Stop Christmas

My father and I email each other regularly. In one of our emails, I mentioned how I don't feel that it's Christmas yet. It's the same over there in Brazil, he said. The common denominator of our sad Christmas feeling is that we're not together as a family for Christmas. They're over there SO FAR FAR FAR AWAY and well, Christmas isn't really "merry" without your loved ones around.

It's a sad Christmas for us but then I remembered Martin Nievera's song, "Can't Stop Christmas", which happens to be my most favorite Christmas song ever because of how realistic the message the lyrics send out. We can't stop Christmas no matter how crappy our situation is. No matter how far away our loved ones are, no matter how many misfortunes have hit us, no matter how sad our dispositions are...WE JUST CAN'T STOP CHRISTMAS.

Like I said before, Christmas isn't entirely about PEOPLE. It's about the birth of Jesus anyway. And wherever we are right now, I think we should be able to make the most out of what we have. In my family's case, we should be thankful that we're together and even if my parents are far away we should be thankful that we're together as a family and that we have a whole lot of love that can be felt even from a million miles away.

It's cheesey but maybe we can have them in our hearts this Christmas and there's the beauty of the internet to share pictures with, chat, or call for long conversations...CHRISTMAS SHOULD BE IN OUR HEART and that's how we're going to spend it. THERE SHOULD BE NO ROOM FOR MELANCHOLY. JUST PURE JOY AND GRATITUDE BECAUSE WE HAVE THE GIFT OF HAVING EACH OTHER AS A FAMILY.

Enjoy the song!


This is my most favorite Christmas song ever.

Note: Papa, this is the song I emailed you about. :)

Can' t Stop the rain from falling
Each time the sky decides to cry
Can't stop the sun form shining
til the day turns into light

All over the world
They try to steal our joy
But our spirit can't be broken
Every man and woman, girl or boy

Refrain:
Can't stop the joy
Can't stop the reason
Christmas lives inside of us
from season to season

Can't stop the pain
of all the hatred in the world
There'll be no hate; no war
In god we'll trust
And peace on earth
Cause you can't stop Christmas....

There's a feeling we share
Didn't know it
it always was there
For united we will stand
Brother to brother hand in hand

With one song, one dream, one prayer
Let your voice be heard
For his blessings surrounds us
All across the world

Refrain:
Can't stop the joy
Can't stop the reason
Christmas lives inside of us
from season to season

Can't stop the pain
of all the hatred in the world
There'll be no hate; no war
In god we'll trust
And peace on earth
Cause you can't stop Christmas....

Bridge:
Reach out for those in need
For the magic of Christmas
Is to give and to believe!

Christmas Blues

I caught the Christmas blues lately. I don't even know if there is such a thing but if there's a "birthday blues" then there must be Christmas blues. Maybe it's because I miss my parents and we're not going to be together again for the holidays. And there are lot of other things inside my head. Many have pointed out that I think too much, stress too much, and worry over things that don't need to be worried over. But this is me. I'm too emotional sometimes and it just sucks. I wish I were born with a button that I could push when I want my brain to shut down for a while to give me a little down time before it gets running again.

It's just eight days more then it's Christmas day already. I still haven't gone Christmas shopping. Boohoo. But I'm looking forward to the Christmas dinner I'm planning with my high school (Abu Dhabi) friends. I miss them. How odd, I just saw them less than two weeks ago. Ah well. I'm also sad that I missed the Christmas dinner with my college friends. I haven't been going to the dinner get-togethers lately with them that's why I'm really looking forward to hanging out with my UP friends.

Maybe Christmas is the time to be nostalgic. If it happens to normal people, then you probably know that I'm going to be extra nostalgic and emotional because I am a basket case like that. Last night I was watching World's Most Amazing Videos on AXN and you know what? I cried. I cried over a boat exploding and no one even died or got hurt seriously. Advertisements make my lips quiver and movies with sappy storylines make me teary-eyed like that sequel to Dr. Dolittle. I remember one time I got teary-eyed while talking to Mitchie about the documentary on Discovery Channel about the Olympics! Sheesh.

I was probably dropped on the head when I was a baby or my mother watched too many drama movies. I don't know, is there an explanation why a person is too emotional?

On a lighter note, I had a good night's sleep yesterday. Nyum nyum. I think it pays to be tired after a long day because the following days you'll crash onto the pillow and be knocked out in minutes. I was too tired yesterday to even lift a finger. But I'm fine now. Refreshed and ready to face the week. A lot more nostalgic, yes but still happy, nevertheless.

I don't know why but I feel like blurting this out...TO MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS, AND EVERYBODY ELSE... I LOVE YOU ALL. =)

Always take care of your heart (literally and figuratively)

I was diagnosed with mitral valve prolapse two years ago by my cardiologist. And because my mother wanted a second opinion we went all the way from St. Luke's to Makati Medical Center just to make sure. We looked for the best cardiologist there was and just like the first, the second cardiologist reassured us that it is not fatal, there's no cure, and I should live life normally. It's congenital, meaning I had it since birth.

The thing is, both doctors told me the good news but they didn't help me get familiarized with the disease. They didn't tell me more about Mitral Valve Prolapse-- its causes and what I should avoid to trigger shortness of breath and migraines. Yes, migraines. I did researching on my own and found out that MVP causes headaches and the dizziness and blackouts I get everytime I try to rise up after lying down are normal with MVPs. They didn't tell me what I should expect nor did they tell me that I shouldn't panic the minute I start having difficulty in breathing. They didn't even tell me the symptoms of the disease!

MITRAL VALVE PROLAPSE SYNDROME
COMMON SYMPTOMS

•Chest pain - check!
•Fatigue - check! I get tired easily.
•Palpitations, extra heart beat - check! check! check! This is definitely not new to me. I get it all the time even if I'm just sitting down or lying in bed, I feel like I went running.
•Lightheadedness, dizziness - check! Especially when I get up from bed-- I get dizzy and sometimes blackout for a few seconds.
•Shortness of breath - check! I feel like I'm drowning or suffocating, all the time.
•Anxiety and/or panic attacks - oh, yes!
•Headaches - yes! yes! yes! can my migraines be MVP related?
•Low exercise tolerance - check! That's why I have low tolerance for the gym but my cardiologist recommends aerobic excerises like swimming, walking, jogging, etc.
•Mood swings - in behalf of Alej, I say "YES".

MVPers report other symptoms. Common ones include:

•chronically cold hands and feet
•gastrointestinal stomach disturbances
•problems with memory or a feeling of fogginess
•inability to concentrate
•mood swings
•problems sleeping
•numbness or tingling of the arms or legs
•arm, back, or shoulder discomfort
•difficulty swallowing
•lump in the throat

And there's more:

•Emotional stress
•Excessive fatigue
•Unaccustomed physical activity
•Being anxious or nervous
•Caffeine
•Medicines with stimulants (Excedrin! It has a ridiculous amount of caffeine for migraine)
•Sweets
•Being in a hot, dry environment
•Dehydration
•Flu, cold, or other illnesses
•Lack of sleep
•Alcohol
•Smoking
•Skipping meals
•Rushing around
•Lying on the left or right side
•Menses
•Menopause

So it's really crazy. The doctors sugarcoated my heart condition and I hate it because they didn't tell me these things. They should have told me these things so that I won't think that I'm a hypochondriac or even crazy half the time. They would have saved me from a lot of worrying. So now you probably know why I keep making up excuses to not see the cardiologist anually for my regular 2D-Echocardiography, Holter monitoring test, and ECG-- they're always in a rush and they don't do me any good. If there's no cure, then I'll live with that. I still think they should have briefed me on Mitral Valve Prolapse and not just diagnosing me with it. I am the patient and I have the right to know.

bad news

not going to the concert afterall. why do i keep missing Bamboo concerts? *whacks herself on the head*. i'm not going not because i don't want to but because i can't. the youth camp is tomorrow not saturday. so i packed really quickly hours ago because tomorrow i won't have that much time after school. i hate last minute packing because i end up forgetting a lot of things. i'll be gone for 3 days. sunday noon is when the camp ends. 3 days out of my nutshell called home without internet and tv. i can do without these things. mental note to self: bring a notebook just in case i find something interesting to write about. still debating on whether to bring the camera or not.

it's almost 11pm and i'm already sleepy. not quite confident to take a quiz tomorrow but i've studied already. 7AM class tomorrow. that just sucks but i have no choice but to drag my lazy self to school in the wee hours of the morning.

i'm recycling my Emily the Strange layout because i like her and i want something dark for this blog. :)

my back hurts. my eyes too. good night, world.