nothing can bring me down, i can only learn to rise above

I had a bad day today, one that tops all the the days of my life. Perhaps it is more appropriate to say that the past 12 days have been really bad for me. You see, I got sick. I got forced to rely on other people to take care of me and do things that I should do but could not because I was confined to stay at home and to bed rest. It was the worst feeling in the world to be stripped off of all your strength to do the things you want to do (like attend classes) yet you have no choice because you have to get better healthwise.

I cried a couple of nights feeling lonely and my body was just whacked out sick. I felt sorry for myself for being in such a pitiful state and that I was going to be unproductive for days. I asked God "WHY ME?" and cursed myself for being the center of a storm everytime as if I'm a walking disaster that could go off any minute. I've been getting ill for different reasons and I couldn't accept how fragile I am and how helpless I am to stay healthy with massive efforts that I've been pouring. I thought I was strong enough to get through it all and I questioned my credibility to do the things I want to do. I thought that maybe I'm not cut out for life, that maybe I'm a "factory defect" of some sort. I also worried about how much of a burden I was to my family, friends, and my boyfriend. Especially my family and my boyfriend. He took care of me the whole time I was sick and he did things that I needed to be done like groceries and other errands. It was extremely hard for me to rely on people and impose a heavy burden on them by worrying about me endlessly even if I tell them not to. My parents are out of the country and the whole time they were so worried about my well-being that it broke my heart every single day I spoke or texted them. My sister who is pregnant also worried about me. I guess I'm very lucky in that departmen-- of being loved by so many but again, I feel helpless. I wish I could not let people worry about me all the time and I wish I could do things for me if only I didn't get sick a lot. But like any other bad days of my life, there was still that ray of hope that tells me that everything happens for a reason and that I'm going to pull myself through even stronger than before and life would resturn back to normal.

Today I found out that I might miss two more classes. I already missed three classes and two quizzes. I already cried after finding out that I might miss two more. I stressed myself over thinking about how I'd be able to catch up and whether I would be given make up quizzes. You see, it's not just about the missed classes. Maybe the whole 12 days I got sick it's all coming to burn me out now. I'm so burned out from being helpless for 12 days. I just want my life to be normal again. I want to stop worrying about school and how I would catch up. I want to start living life again without worrying about being a burden to people.

I guess the lesson after all this is that I need to continue to stay strong. I can't let this bring me down because what happened to me was inevitable. I wouldn't know how to prevent getting sick like that. I try to be healthy, I really do. I've come to accept that maybe God has a better plan for me even if the true intent of what's happening isn't clear to me for now. I realize that I am irrational at my fragile state because I panic at the thought of not being in control of things. I am not in control anymore. I'm giving it up to God. I need to thank my family, my friends, and most especially Alej for taking care of me during this whole mess.

From this day on I will promise myself to not fall apart like I did today because I should be stronger after all this, not weaker in spirit. I know I'm in good hands and I should accept things that I cannot change because life happens and it's up to us how to take it. I'm not saying that I'm instantly better now. Maybe it is a process that takes time to reap before finally harvesting its fruits. I just need to stay strong physically and emotionally.

I was surfing blogs until I came across this:

DON'T DOUBT IT

It is a matter especially of cultivating this courage and this fearlessness in the inmost depth of the mental life. The disciple must learn never to despair. He must be equal to the thought - "I will forget that I have again failed in this matter. I will try once more as though nothing at all has happened."

Thus he will fight his way on to the firm conviction that the Universe contains an inexhaustible fountain of strength from which he may drink. He must aspire again and again to the Divine, which will uplift and support him, however feeble and impotent the mortal part of his being may prove. He must be capable of pressing on towards the future, undismayed by experiences of the past.

--Rudolf Steiner

After this storm is over I am getting on my feet again and I will fight my way to this world, gather strength from the Universe and drink it like what Mr. Steiner said. Nothing can bring me down, I can only learn to rise above.

Stick to the basics

At the hospital the other day, we had lunch at the cafeteria and I saw this again.



I remember the first time I saw it about six years ago or more, I think. I looked it up right away. I think sometimes we forget the BASICS in life. We overanalyze things and forget the things that we learned when we were kids. Sometimes life isn't too hard to navigate as long as we stick to the BASICS.

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten
Robert Fulghum

Share everything.
Play fair.
Don't hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.
Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life--learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.
Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup--they all die. So do we.
And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned--the biggest word of all--LOOK.

oh life

I had a shitty day and it's funny how it had to happen during the end of the day. It's amazing how one thing can ruin the whole 24-hours of your whole day. But oh well. What is life without a little drama once in a while?

But the upper was that I was able to chat with Papa after a long while. Heeh. :) I'm always not home in the evenings so yeah, it was okay.

As I speak, Kuya John and my sister are having a difficult time shooing away canine intruders in the property. We don't know how the hell four dogs were able to open our gates but they're here and one of them is ready to charge Kuya John because he tried to shoo them away. So now they're trying to figure out how my sister's fiance can get to his car without being bitten by the fierce dog who came to visit Doods, our apparently hearthrob mongrel. Ate wants me to watch it because she said "it's exciting" but now they come back inside the house and they're no longer as brave as they were minutes ago. "Galit talaga!", she said. HAHA! Oh dearness. What to do now! I'm scared of rabies. These are mongrels, for crying out loud! I'll write a progress report on this lateron.

Anyway, onto photos...these are from my Chinita LCA who is my new best friend and she is named Ella. She goes with me everywhere I go.


light fixtures on the ceiling of a Shell Select on North Luzon Expressway. This was en route to Cagayan. We stopped for a 4AM breakfast of hotdogs, Cinnabons, coffee, and juice.


Along Macapagal Avenue at Tuguegarao City. Across the street of this field of greens was a big watermelon stand. Too bad I wasn't able to take photos of the watermelon. The heat of the sun scared me so I stayed inside the car in the comfort of airconditioning.


I forgot where this picture was taken but I love photos of trees against a backdrop sky. So this was a random shot because I just thought the twigs look pretty.


I LOVE TREES. 'Nuf said.