incoherent thoughts

i just got back home from tagaytay with family. argh. i'm so tired! we were there the whole day. i thought we'd just eat lunch there considering that there's not much to do up there anymore anyway. so yeah, i'm tired and add the painful 2nd growing wisdom tooth. it hurts like a bitch and it hurts so much that my throat hurts too like i have tonsilitis or something (0_o). the tooth is forcing its way up by tearing the gums. my mother insists that we have it pulled out like my last impacted wisdom tooth. they operated that one and left me with a swollen left cheek that looked really hideous for words. i had to stay home for two weeks until that fateful day that i could not hide because i had to enroll myself. argh.

i refuse to get this one extracted because i can't afford to not go to school or hide for another two weeks until the swelling is gone. so i'll have to bear with the pain and drown in ibuprofen for a while until it finally pushes itself up. i hate wisdom teeth. i wish i had them yanked out ages ago. and i also feel like i'm going to get sick. damn. I CAN'T GET SICK!

then there's tomorrow. i had to text my professors for tomorrow's classes if i could be excused because i have to go to the Java In Manila conference at Makati Shangri La tomorrow for my work. good thing my professors are considerate because they excused me. but phooey! i'm supposed to go to the U.S. embassy along with my history class because the cultural officer there invited us to the conference where a US State Department high official is going to talk about US-Philippine diplomatic relations (or something like that). i was looking forward to goooo! we had reserved seats!!! (and it's not even for entertainment or anything). *bangs head on the table*. oh well. i can't have it all.

so yeah, here's hoping that i drown myself with enough caffeine tomorrow to stay awake from 8am-4pm (the duration of the conference). here's hoping that i learn from tomorrow, and looking forward to bond with my workmates. heeh. :)

toodles. my throat hurts again. damn you, wisdom tooth! come out alreadyyy!

God bless the Philippines

all the political turmoil has turned the country's politics and economy into topsy-turvey. it's sad. the winning of Manny Pacquio brought pride and praise from the international community. in Google News, we were "the star". kasi astig tayo. and then the Ultra slash Wowowee gameshow stampede killing a lot of people and injuring hundreds brought the spotlight to the Philippines once again, this time in a negtive light. unfortunately, it was followed by the Leyte St. Bernard village mudslide, which buried the whole village into three stories high of mud and rocks one rainy day. this time it's the coup attempt and national state of emergency that brought us to the spotlight. again, in a negative light.

i don't care what people think. foreigners think that the philippines is such an unfortunate under developed world. unfortunate, yes. OH YES. under developed? OH YES, again. but again, i don't care what people think of the philippines. i just think that we need to right what is wrong with the system right now so that we can finally get on our feet and move on with economic development, national unity, and whatever that is needed in order to get back to the right track. but the sad thing is that i feel that our politicians or whoever are in power are using that power bestowed upon them by the people for their personal gains and hidden agendas.

i don't even know where to side anymore. i don't think that it's because i'm apathetic. i try to feed my feeble mind with whatever news there is on t.v. and read the papers as often as i can (and have Google News as my homepage). but you know... while it is a good thing to be updated with the current events, it breaks my heart to know what's going on.

GOD BLESS THE PHILIPPINES. we've come a long way. our heroes fought so hard for our freedom and if we can't free ourselves from our own grasps that is slowly choking our country, what will happen to the Philippines in the future? i think the worst kind of conflict is conflict among citizens of ONE COUNTRY. civil war is the worst kind of war because people who belong to one COUNTRY should cooperate and support each other not turn against each other and kill each other. but lets not go there. there's no civil war for the Philippines. i hope this ends soon.

Mau (an LJ friend) said it best in her blog entry:

"These people need to go back to kindergarten."

how sad-- to compare them with kindergarten kids.

Emancipate Yourselves: It's Okay to Be Perfectly Imperfect

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds.
Have no fear for atomic energy,
'Cause none of them can stop the time.

Redemption Song, Bob Marley

All our young lives we strive to find our place in this world where people would come to accept us and appreciate us for who we are. All our young lives we have optimistic and hopeful dreams-- of countless triumphs and our images as heroes of our days continue to be present within us. It feeds the flame of hope and determination to burn stronger than it already is. When we go to bed at night, we are already excited for the days to come because everything is perfect, what reason is there to be afraid of tomorrow?

Then we eventually grow and mature and realize that our little perfect world is not as perfect as it used to be. Dreams are shot down by both miniscule and massive failures, people pull you down as you strive to climb your way to the top, and you realize that dreams are not that easy to realize because sometimes dreaming is not just the key to achieving a goal nor is working your ass off. Accomplishments are discredited, for judgments from people come too soon before even noticing what you have worked so hard for. This is when you say, "There goes my effort going down the drain." The world continues to push you to the edge until you can no longer take it and your heart feels like it is going to burst at any second. You start to think about running away from all the madness. Beauty is gone. Laughter ceased. Tears roll down your cheeks on lonely nights yet you sometimes cannot quite put your finger on what exactly went wrong.

And then you think for a while, "Why am I still standing?" That is the mystery of life. We continue to fight our battles no matter how tired we already are. We continue to dream our dreams because it is what keeps us to continue fighting. We retain our FAITH whether religiously, spiritually, or personally. We refuse to throw in the towel because this is the good fight and no matter how the world takes its toll on us, there are still several reasons to laugh and smile-- like realizing that you beat your professor into the classroom just when you thought you were late, finding the last red strawberry Skittles just when you thought you ate all of them, watching an all-time favorite movie on a rainy day, or reading a chick lit novel while you devour cups of Reese's Peanut Buttercups and not mind how many calories one cup has.

By the hardships we endure, or as I like to call it, "cruelties of the world" (when I feel like dramatizing insanity), we learn to appreciate life's fleeting moments because we learn to take a firm grasp on these short instances -- when for a time we felt infinite (as Charlie from The Perks of Being a Wallflower would call it). Nothing else matters but today-- the NOW. Neither is THEN nor TOMORROW important because "one day at a time" is the mantra a person should keep in mind. Otherwise, taking it all in will be too overwhelming. It's like saying, "Seize the day!" in a different way, I guess because I believe that Carpe Diem is a universal rule that everyone should follow.

Life is a never-ending cycle of ups and downs. You are lucky when you get stuck in the middle but when you're stuck way down below, you feel like the whole world has conspired against you and that you are the most pathetic loser in the planet. Do not be weary. Each individual has his or her own time to shine-- to feel the kindness of the world and the sweetness of life. Sometimes the bad days are for grooming each and everyone of us failures to be better persons so that when something greater comes along, we are ready to fight the battle and confidently say "Been there, done that. Bring it on!" On the contrary, when we get stuck on top of this never-ending grueling cycle of life, bear in mind that one should not be over-confident about how the world is on your side and that everything is going to be perfect forever. One should learn to value moments of triumphs and nurture the fruits of success wisely, otherwise it will be gone in a blink of an eye. Many have fallen and were broken when they encounter a change of fortune. Dr. Spencer Johnson, the author of Who Moved My Cheese? explained it very well that one should be change adept and should be able to "sniff" changes even from afar so that when that change comes, one is ready to ride along and the impact will not be as hard as anticipated.

So embrace life. We are not alone. People go through the "same shit, different day" phase all the time and chances are, we all think that we are the biggest failures of our day and that there will never come a time when we will finally see the end of the tunnel. But what is wonderful about the world that we are living in is that we are all connected to each other. One life can affect one life, and a person can affect another. We need not go through this world alone- we have friends and family and everyone else who care a great deal about us. You should not give yourself a hard time when things do not go according to plan. One day you will find yourself on the top because no one stays at the bottom of this cycle of life for too long. You might just wake up one day and be surprised that the world that we knew to be unfair and cruel may not be as unfair and cruel as we thought after all.

We are all pilgrimages in this journey. Bon Voyage!

Manila, Manila

hay. i want to cry. i received an email from the class's yahoo group about a UP Manila student who almost got raped. she was violated and people who saw what happened didn't even help her. THE NERVE OF THOSE MEN!!! no wait. they don't even deserve to be called "men". lets call them PIGS instead.

i can't believe how fearless, and not to mention STUPID, i am for staying late at night at school especially last semester and then walk to Kalaw Street along the dark Maria Orosa street at 10pm (and once.. at midnight). my father warns me endlessly that the reason why nothing bad has happened to me yet (GOD forbid that something bad ever will...) is because i'm lucky. but once evil lurks the streets and i happen to be there at the wrong place and at the wrong time, i might not get away from evil. it's scary how these things happen. it's scary how many perverts there are in this world and coincidentally, there are SO MANY of them around my university.

speaking of evil in the streets, i just remembered now. last night i had a nightmare. i was walking along the streets near school at night and then this snatcher came up to me and grabbed my phone (i was texting in the streets which i NEVER DO, trust me). so he grabbed my phone and then two men saw what happened so they chased the snatcher. when they started beating the snatcher up, more men came in aid of the snatcher so the two poor guys ran away and left the snatcher with my phone. in short, i didn't get my phone. in my dream i was so angry and frustrated because it was my first time to have a cellular phone stolen.

yeah, how timely.

i hope it's not an omen or anything. otherwise i'd be really paranoid. must look for my Swiss knife somewhere...

so to college students who walk along the area of notorious Manila (particularly the Padre Faura, Maria Orosa, Pedro Gil, Vito Cruz, Estrada, Taft, etc. areas...) please do remember to take care. never mind if you're too paranoid, at least you're safe.

sunday shmunday

ayayay. heaven for me is when you come home from a hearty cross-over buffet meal and then sip decaffeinated mint tea when you get home while surfing the internet. buwahahaha! looks like there's going to be a sequel to last night's Oldies Gone Wild. it's magic sing night once again *groans*. my cousin and i are complaining already because we've been trying to plug earphpones into our ears until music drowns the voices of our parents. but they look cute though. HAHA!

yes, i promised myself that i'd work on thesis when i get home. maybe i'll do that after everyone's done with abusing the magic sing. i'm sure if it could talk it would shriek in torture. even amidala can't sleep because of the loud songers haha!

but anyway, i'm going to do thesis field research tomorrow. my only hope is that they entertain a student like me. most government agencies are very difficult to negotiate with because they have this tendency to pass you around to people who can entertain your questions. it's as if they're scared or something. heyyy! i don't bite (0_o)!!!

i'm off. maybe i'll watch All About Love here in the room while the oldies sing their hearts out. they deserve to have fun so SING AWAYYYY! (^-^)

congratulate me!!!! i found my glasses!!! thank you LORD! it was missing for a few days until i found them beneath the pile of thesis readings. YEYYYY!!!!

i hope you all had a great weekend because i definitely did!

Sevens. Stolen from Jiwwie's blog
seven things to do before I die:
1. go bunjee jumping
2. get a book published
3. join, or better yet, WIN a Palanca Award (yeah, fat chance)
4. get married and have children (HAHA!)
5. work for humanitarian causes
6. go to China
7. backpack in Europe (yeah, like i can really travel light).


Seven things I cannot do:
1. live without having FAITH.
2. live without family.
3. live without friends.
4. save money.
5. get drunk (because i'm allergic to alcohol)
6. go for a C.T. scan test (i'm claustrophobic)
7. not talk for 30 minutes.


Seven things that attract me to blogging:
1. it's a diverse world.
2. i like reading about people's thoughts no matter how shallow or deep.
3. it helps me vent.
4. it helps me write about things i want to write about.
5. helps me stay in touch with friends outside the country.
6. amuses me when i'm bored.
7. cheers me up when i'm down.

Seven things I say most often:
1. talaga?
2. putek!
3. shit
4. di nga?
5. ewan
6. ngek
7. fudge!

Seven books that I love:
1. To Kill a Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
2. The Bonesetter's Daughter (Amy Tan)
3. The Bell Jar (Sylvia Plath)
4. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
5. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
6. The Virgin Suicides (Jeffrey Euginedes)
7. The Secret of Life (Elizabeth Wurtzel)

Seven movies that I can watch over and over again:
1. Simon Birch
2. The Constant Gardener
3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
4. Riding in Cars with Boys
5. Reality Bites
6. Prozac Nation
7. The Eye

answer my Johari Window for me pleeeeease!

gail's reading list for 2006

this year's reading list (will be adding to this...):

she's come undone (wally lamb)
i know this much is true (wally lamb)
the curious incident of the dog in the night-time (Mark Haddon)
one flew over the cuckoo's nest (ken kesey)
what looks like crazy on an ordinary day (pearl cleage)

and i have two new books:

the secret of life (elizabeth wurtzel)
sticky fingers (niki burnham)

yey!

my uncle and his family from california arrived last night. they're visiting for two weeks after 18 years. my mother arrived this morning. our world became topsy-turvey when they came-- a lot of merry-making, FOOD, and currently, there's our Limcumpao version of Adults Gone Wild. think what a Magic Sing and red wine can do to adults. oh my gulay! they're singing their hearts out. my aunt and my mom are competing with my dad and my uncle. they're really hilarious! HAHA! it's so nice and fun to watch adults kick back and actually have real FUN because only Lord knows how much they need it.

there's more eating, going out, and family "UBE" (Ultimate Bonding Experience, hehe) in the days to come. too bad i won't be able to join them all the time because i have thesis to finish and that Ilocos-La Union trip for my history class. i'll be gone from friday until the end of the weekend. it's going to be a blast and exhausting as well. the thought of missing the weekend out of town trip with my relatives and family sucks (really) but i can't have the best of both worlds.

oh well. here's to family, adults gone wild, and good books to read.

post valentine's day post

i've been busy lately and really tired. most of the time i spent at home is just for eating, sleeping, and doing school work (erm, like thesis). yes, believe it or not, my thesis finally has direction. i've been interviewing NGO workers already and they've been extremely helpful and really kind for accomodating me kind-heartedly. i figured being NICE is a pre-requisite to be an NGO worker. otherwise, the organization wouldn't want the person to bite heads off of stakeholders. i'm getting a kick out of the "miss independent" thing. i've been relying on myself to get to places (offices of these NGOs) which i haven't been to. so far i haven't gotten lost (God forbid) but the cab rides are costing me a huge hole in my wallet.

and a snippet from today's interview:

him: anong year mo na ba?
me: 4th year po.
him: ha? akala ko 12 years old ka palang!

ang sarap sana sabihin... "opo. 12 palang po ako. gifted child kaya 4th year college na." BUWAHAHAHA!

yesterday i was at the U.P. fair with friends. while waiting for van, apple, and pao at the isawan stand, i was in the car with my sister and her boyfriend plus amidala. she's so cute! HAHA! we saw this humongous Chow Chow who resembled a bear (a baby bear) and i was scared at first. but when ala peeked from the window to take a look at the humongous dog, she started barking her head off. the little puppy was so confident even when we brought her outside the car she started barking like mad, which she never does at home, mind you.

this is her barking at the huge dog. the dog is four times her size! or maybe larger!

UP fair was okay there were just too many people HAHA! and i'm not that much of a huge fan of heavy metal so alej and i just sat on the grass at the Sunken Garden under the moon. the silhouette of the leafless trees with the bright moon as its backdrop looked really eerie but beautiful just the same. we just talked and watched people as they passed by until we finaly left.

so how was your Valentine's Day? mine was a happy one considering that alej surprised me at home with a bouquet of the most beautiful flowers i have ever received in my entire life. no joke. it has lilies, different colors of daisies, baby's breath, chrysanthemums, and another flower which has a velvety texture. it's a huge bunch and smelled wonderful. seriously, it's really pretty. when it was time to transfer it to a vase, it was hearbreaking to take the wrappers off:

so yeah. i love surprises and the surprise visit and beautiful flowers definitely made my day. i'm not a Valentine's Day person especially when there's a mad rush of lovers going here and there. i figured we'd celebrate some other day instead but we did go to hear mass at St. Jude (which was the best thing we did on Valentine's Day) after school and then had dinner at Blue Wave with his family.

anyway, i wrote this on Valentine's Day (er, midnight hehe) but didn't get to post it online. so here it is:

Happy Valentines everyone! Spread the love!!!

I will never forget one Valentine's Day back when I still lived in Abu Dhabi. In our church there, the Saint Joseph Parish, Father Eugene was our parish priest. it was Valentine's Day then and his sermon for that mass was the one thing I cannot forget.

He said Valentine's Day has become overrated. Commericialized, even. Everywhere you go there are huge posters, bright red hearts everwhere, heart-shaped balloons, big discounts on chocolates, flowers, and love cards. The list goes on. When it comes to Valentine's Day, people think of it as a day for couples. a day of LURRRVE. a day for romance. But he asked, "Why can't people think of LOVE in a larger context such as WORLDLY love?".

Orphans need LOVE.
Homeless people without families need LOVE.
People living with HIV/AIDS need LOVE.
Marginalized people in society need LOVE.
Those who are discriminated need LOVE.

EVERYONE needs love. Valentine's Day is a day for LOVE and when we say LOVE, it does not mainly have to revolve around love between to people. try looking at LOVE in a larger perspective and realize that love is such strong a word that can build friendships, unite a broken nation, and make one (or even more) less lonely person/people in the world feel wanted.

and because it's Valentine's Day, i feel like sharing this heartfelt story Father Eugene shared (but this was not on Valentine's Day):

there was once an American soldier who fought in the Vietnam war. after the war, his mother received a phone call from home. it was from his son.

"I'm coming home," the son said to his mother, "and i am bringing a friend with me. you see, we fought in the war together and because of this, he's blind. his right ear was cut off and an arm and a leg were amputated. he does not have anywhere else to go now that the war is over. may i take him home with me so we can take care of him?"

The mother was apalled by the description of his son's friend. So she told his son, "Oh my! You can't bring him here! He's going to be a handful! I can't take care of him, not when I have a lot of things to do! He's going to be a burden to our family!"

The mother wasn't finished yet when suddenly the line went dead.

The next day, the mother was greeted with a doorbell. When she openned the door, there were two officers in their uniforms. The mother's knees went weak because she knew what officers in uniforms meant. Then the other one spoke:

"Are you the mother of [insert name here]?" The mother replied with a croak in her voice. "Yes, I am." Then the other officer in uniform said:

"We regret to inform you that we found a young soldier with an amputated leg and arm. He was missing an ear and he was apparently blind. We found him dead-- shot himself on the head. He was in a motel room not far from here. I believe he is your son."

The mother did not know what to do so all she did was cry for the death of her son.

_____________________________________________

So you see the point of the story? If the mother had known from the first phone call that the person her son was describing was in fact, HIMSELF... she would not have said those horrible things upon learning that her son was planning on bringing his friend home to care of. She would have willingly obliged because this person was her son. So the question is, Why do we feel different in treating people when they're not of any relation or importance to us? If the mother felt any love for someone she's not related to but is in dire need of affection and care, maybe she would have made a different decision.

Here's hoping we spread more love to people around us. The Beatles said, "ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE" and I say "Amen, to that."

God bless!

whatta weekend

the weekend was a blast. it was a whirlwind of nonstop fun with my school friends including that Full Volume concert (sugarfree, urban dub, hale, and hiraya) exclusively for UPM peeps only. it was a blast bobbing our heads and singing along to the songs we knew from the bands... picking out eye-candies for new school-girl slash crazy fan girl crushes, and then having dinner at Baywalk after Krizia finisihed her interviews for thesis.

believe it or not, the line stretched all the way outside Faura in front of UPM before the concert. HAHA! but i'm glad it was just for UPM students because at least it wasn't as packed as i had expected.

Hale. i thought i wouldn't like them because they're always on the radio!!! but i liked them that day... :)


Sugarfree.

for those who like Champ...

the dinner, which was pretty stuffing, was well worth our moolah. walking to krizia's place from van's dorm near Angelo King. bumped into Josh while walking with krizia and then saw mark too. i will never forget our late-night semi-drinking session of gin orange and our girl talks. woke up early the next day and bonded (hehe) more with girls (novee, van, apple, and krizia) and then learning that we could survive without Yaya afterall.

we cooked our lunch from scratch-- rice, corned beef, fried fish, corn soup, sliced and diced pork chops, and panict canton (er, this was the instant kind). and then more hanging out after. in the afternoon when apple left, i bought blank cds at UM with krizia, novee, and van. had ice cream at Wendy's afterwards and then to Cello's Doughnuts and Dips just because i craved for an oreo frosted doughnut. a little camwhoring later, we finally said goodbye to the fun and relaxing weekend we had and greeted reality with a smirk on our faces.


a Cello's with novee, krizia, and van.


novee and van being kawaii HAHAHA!


sabi ni novee "wakki" picture daw e! (inside joke for "whacky").

phew. what a weekend.

quotes

for film showing yesterday in celebration of Social Science week, my blockmates (along with other students) filled the Little Theater. we watched The Life of David Gale and Fidel (a film documentary on Fidel Castro).

The Life of David Gale is the newly added movie to my list of favorite movies. it's a stellar movie that i suggest you watch. if you can't find a copy, then boo for you! i want to picket outside school and announce to everyone how this movie is such a great movie with a good point. the following are my favorite lines from it:

We spend our whole life trying to stop death. Eating, inventing, loving, praying, fighting, killing. But what do we really know about death? Just that nobody comes back. Then there comes a point - a moment - in life when your mind outlives its desires, its obsessions, when your habits survive your dreams, and when your losses... Maybe death is a gift.

Fantasies have to be unrealistic. Because the minute- the second- that you get what you want, you don't- you can't- want it anymore.

and lastly, another one from Sylvia Plath:

Is there no way out of the mind?

press release

please support Social Science week! please attened the symposium on Charter Change. it's our block's project along with the juniors. we've been slaving away trying to make this symposium successful. if you have contacts from the media, please refer them to me. we need as much media exposure as we can possibly get.

and there's a bonus! the seniors aare going to be in charge of an intermission number. BWAHAHA!

Maraming salamat! read on...

AKLAS 2006: Social Science Week

In celebration of the Social Sciences Week with the theme "Aklas 2006", the Area Studies Program of the Department of Social Sciences, University of the Philippines Manila will be hosting a symposium entitled "CHArter: CHAnge or CHAllenge?" on February 7, 2006 from 9 a.m. to 12 noon at the Little Theater of the College of Arts and Sciences, UP Manila. The speakers include Rep. Teodoro A. Casiño of Bayan Muna; Mr. Guillermo M. Luz, President of the Makati Business Club; Prof. Raul C. Pangalangan, former dean of the UP College of Law; and Atty. Raul L. Lambino, Member of the Consultative Commission on Charter Change. Ms. Carmen Navarro-Pedrosa, ConCom Regional Vice Chairman for Metro Manila, will also be present as a resource person. For additional details, please call (02)524-1556 or e-mail roligt@upm.edu.ph or gracemateo@yahoo.com.

_______________________________________

i'm praying for those who died during the stampede to watch the variety/game show Wowowee this morning. i can't believe that happened and it also breaks my heart to know that my fellow Filipinos are that desperate to win big prizes. mahirap na talaga buhay. nakakalungkot. naiinis din ako kasi sana meron pwedeng sisihin sa nangyari. ewan ko kung sino nagkulang pero nakakalungkot pa rin. bakit kailangan mauwi na marami ang mamatay?

lets pray for those who died. suddenly all my worries (thesis and school) seemed trivial compared to what the relatives of those who died are facing right now. i want to crumble like a cookie.

tonight my friends and i are going out because we feel that we deserve this break, this sort of get together we've planned for 2 weeks (we let all the exams pass first). we planned to drink and be merry but then... pano na ngayon? parang nakaka-guilty yata magpaka-saya.

rest in peace...


Prayer for the Dead
God our Father, Your power brings us to birth, Your providence guides our lives, and by Your command we return to dust.

Lord, those who die still live in your presence, their lives change but do not end. I pray in hope for my family, relatives and friends, and for all the dead known to You alone.

In company with Christ, Who died and now lives, may they rejoice in Your kingdom, where all our tears are wiped away. Unite us again in one family, to sing Your praise forever and ever. Amen.

LOST in civilization

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
fallen, sarah mclachlan

i can totally relate to this song. it's my mind speaking.

the past few weeks have been crazy. sometimes i want to just get everything over with so i can finally have peace of mind. i need to relax. i need someone to assure me that i'm going to be okay and that i can get things done and beat deadlines. i need to relax. i feel that i've been unproductive even if i've been juggling a lot of things already. i need to get too many things done in too little time. i've been lacking sleep. i'm in the verge of breaking down. maybe i should see a guidance counsellor?

God, i need help.

someone take the heavy weight off my chest. even tea won't relax me anymore. i stopped drinking green tea when i started getting used to sleepless nights. i need to rest. i need to rest... but i can't afford to rest because i have to work... i have to work...

God, i'm so lost.

and this is not the drama queen inside of me speaking... i really meant it when i said that i'm lost.
oh shit. now i want to cry. i don't think i'm as strong as i thought i once was. fuck.