today is my big fat 20th birthday

Today I turn twenty. When I think of how my life has been, I am more than grateful for being here & for having the people around me. I remember Ina talking about the activity in Psychology class. The question: If you were to face your child self, what would you tell her?

I was dumbfounded upon hearing the question, of course. What would I actually say to my little girl self? I think I'd even cry buckets while talking to her. But I'd probably assure her that she's going to be fine. There will be tough times but she's going to be strong & things will work out just even if it's not exactly the way she would want it. People are going to test her patience in struggling through life but she's going to learn to believe in herself. She's going to be pleased because she's going to realize how strong she really is. I'd also tell her that life is going to be fun. not perfect but imperfectly perfect; that she's going to be optimistic about things no matter how heavy the rain will pour.

I've been emotionally stressed lately about school. The other day while I was waiting for someone to pick me up, I went to the bookstore to browse booksthe best way to kill time. I was over at the psychology-self help shelf when Elizabeth Wurtzel caught my eye. I love her to pieces especially after watching Prozac Nation (a movie based on the autobiography she wrote) and the book is called The Secret of Life. I picked up and scanned the pages. What I loved about it is that it's not your ordinary psychology-self help book because it's not preachy. If you have a background on Elizabeth Wurtzel... you'll know that she'd know more about these things because she had been there--- that stage in your life when one wrong thing could push you over the edge & the point when you think no one understands you but you, yourself, alone. There was this quote there from American beauty:

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday. -Lester Burnham

i remember Angela Chase from My So-Called Life saying:

Sometimes someone says something really small & it fits perfectly in that empty hole inside your heart.

in this case, it's highly applicable to the former quote.

i'm going back to get the Wurtzel book. i love her the way i love Sylvia Plath.

i can't say being 20 is different. i've only been 20 for hours. besides, age is just numbers that count years (hopefully, years of wisdom gained & life lived rather than life lost). may i be wiser, stronger, & more bold to face life's challenges. as van said after i complained that i'm miserable for worrying too much, "what you're going through isn't even half of what we have to face in life." that was a slap on the face for me.

big fat 20, bring it on.