angst. angst. angst.

i have stood here before inside the pouring rain with my head turning circles going round my brain,
i guess i was hoping that you'd end this reign but it's my destiny to be the queen of pain. king of pain, alanis morisette

i have always believed that everyday is a challenge to be the best i can. i believe in it so much that i no longer remember if i cooked the thought up inside my own sick little head or if it was a quote by someone that stuck (if you've already heard of that line, please enlighten me or else i'll give myself credit. hehe). either way, i still believe in it.

but what if the best i can do is still not enough? do i stay in the dark and wallow in misery? do i contemplate on the "what-ifs" & the "what-might-have-beens"? or do i curse the world & everyone around me because things didn't go my way? i wish i could just cut my head off & stop thinking for a while. i wish what people are saying is true... that i think too much, that i don't have to worry about things that are yet to come... that life is about seizing every moment i've got because i can't be so sure i'd be here tomorrow. i think the worst thing in life is thinking that you've been doing okay & then you stop, look around you, & feel that you don't measure up. even worse, you realize that you don't measure up when you think you've been great all along. it's the worst kind of self-destruction, i tell you.

but i don't want people (especially those who hate me) to gloat on my downfall. in a way... it's a liberating feeling to let people know that i don't always do the right things all the time or that i'm not perfect in any way. i just wish i could get rid of the feeling that i need to live up to other people's expectations. of course, i want to yell at them for being judgemental. who are they to say what i can or what i can't do? "I am my own boss" said Demi Moore's character in Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. well, yes! I AM MY OWN BOSS and there's no way i will let people make me feel like i'm so small. erm, figuratively because vertically, i am small. hehe.

there's too much angst right now. sorry. i'm pathetic. no wait. i shouldn't even apologize for being true to myself. hrmf!

i'm twenty now... i should know better than to put down my sword in the middle of a battle.