i was over at leeann's blog and read about her frustrations. i never really talked about my frustrations here and disappointments in school. maybe it's because i choose to go through the tough times alone without letting people know how bad it makes me feel. but remembering the chat i had with Avid on YM, he said i shouldn't filter the thoughts i choose to write on my blog because that would make me a poser. so i'm going to come out of my shell. there's nothing to be afraid of. i make mistakes and i fall flat on my face. but the best thing is that i've grown so much since that first year of college.

one really does get lost in a crowd. school can really burn a person out. in high school, academics meant the world to me and i was lucky enough to fly high without even trying too much. everything was easy, i was always on the honor roll. i brought honor to my family and i was confident that i was going to make it no matter where i set my mind into. i kept my journal during my high school days. there was this line that i said i wanted to go to U.P. i was only a freshman in high school then. reading the paragraph further, i realized that all that i had written of my goals... i achieved it. i was in the honor roll and i got into U.P.

but U.P. isn't what i had expected it to be. i thought once you get in, it would be easy as long as you have the heart and mind to be determined to aim high. i was ready to give up my social life and stick my nose into books for as long as i'm in college. then i got burned out. i started to be frustrated. i was lost in the crowd. everwhere around me, people are better than me. i felt like a failure. i would tell myself that the grade i got isn't good enough. i started to compare myself to others. i had this talk with a graduate from BehSci. she said that it's normal for me to go through insecurities because in U.P., everyone was an achiever in high school. then one day they are gathered in one school and they are no longer achievers. they realize that a lot of people are better than them. that's where the self-esteem fluctuates. the whole world comes crashing down. i was thankful that i had a talk with her. she was nice enough to remind me that it's not good to have a mentality that you will always achieve what you want, you will always be better than everyone else.

while i went though tough times in school and hated myself for being a failure, i kept it from my parents. i didn't want them to worry. i didn't want them to be disappointed in me because they believe in my capabilities. i was so scared of breaking the bubble. but i chose to be honest and i told them everything that i felt. my parents understood me. i realized i was so wrong of thinking that they would be angry. my father said, "You can't win all the time" and by these words, i cried. how can they be so understanding when i've failed them? my mother said, "you can try again" and that made me feel so blessed. they never pressure me to do the things i can't. they know my capabilities and they trust me enough to let me fall down because they know i can rise back again.

remember these lines from Desiderata by Max Ehrmann ?

"If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans."

so i began to grow wiser. i got myself through hell and i've managed to pull myself back, all thanks to my family. i realized that i can't win all the time, just like what my father said but i have chances to make things right. doesn't matter whether i win or not, as long as i gave my all and actually TRIED. being burnt out in school is a natural thing these days. i know God is watching. i also know that it's okay to fall down once in a while because you learn to be strong and you learn to realize that not everyone can be perfect. we all have our weaknesses, our flaws. ironically, these are what makes us human- the ability to experience pain and to fail, only to pick up the shattered pieces once the storm has passed. it may seem ridiculous to others but as long as you know yourself, you'll get by.

when bad times come my way in school, i repeat this mantra:

"you've been through this nightmare. you can take another one that comes along."

it's from the Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul. i forgot the person who quoted that but my buckets of thanks to whoever he/she is.