this is quarter life crisis speaking

i used to be an optimist. i still am now, but not as optimistic as i was before. i am now in the borderline between being a cynic and an optimist. i think i can safely say that being a cynic is much more draining than being an optimist. i'm sure everyone would attest to that.

a friend asked what religion (aside from the one i'm practicing now) would be the closest one i'd pick if given i choice. i said i liked the philosophy of Zen Buddhism and Taoism. the way of life. let things be. don't contradict the way of life... the way things flow naturally. i know it's a lame excuse for lazy people or people who do not have anything better to do than just wait for life to work itself out. i just like the way "come what may" comes into the picture (in moderation).


i like these two paragraphs from The Secret of Life by Elizabeth Wurtzel. i think i may be very much like her-- a cynic and an optimist. an optimistic cynic, i guess. i'm like her minus the drug addiction and clinical depression, of course.

i feel like sharing these paragraphs from the book:

i went to the doctor, i went to the mountains
i looked to the children, i drank from the fountain
there's more than one answer to these questions pointing at me in a crooked line
the less i seek my source for some definitive
the closer i am to fine.
-"closer to fine", emily saliers

i am not the happiest person. in fact, in the battle between joy and misery, i'd say that the latter often seems to prevail. i don't like this, and everyday i refuse, for the eighty millionth time, to put up with another minute of it. but the world does what it does, and i often find it disagreeable. after all these years, i'm kind of resigned to that.

but i do have one thing on my side: i have enormous faith. and hope. i am not speaking of the kind you find in church or in the afterlife or in heaven or in the King James Bible or in the Hare Krishnas that we all encounter changing flights in the airports of the world. i am speaking of a simple faith that says that one way or another, no matter how many times i stumble and stub my big toes, somehow life is going to work itself out.

well said. really well said!

so yeah. enough about the drama. i've been very lazy to update lately. mainly because i'm a busy bee and i think i've lost the interest to blog. or maybe this is just a phase and the interest will come back again.

i wish there were some push button to stop me from thinking too much. i overanalyze things and i think too much that it makes my head hurt a lot. i wish we were like robots who can push the off button for the night and then doze off and let our brains stop thinking too. the brain never sleeps and it's so stressful when you sleep a shallow slumber and wake up as restless as you were when you went to bed.

oh, did you watch Crash? it won the Oscars. i loved the movie because i strongly believe that racism should be fought and that heartless narrow-minded racists should burn in hell for thinking the way they do. issues were tackled in the movie and it sort of got me thinking about prejudices and those of my own. sometimes i judge a person first by action, appearance, nationality, etc. but when i try to get to know the person more... i always end up being wrong. yes, i hate that side of me. i think having prejudices comes in a package deal with overanalyzing a lot. yes, it's a flaw. yes, i am willing to change wholeheartedly. anyway, about the movie, a lot of people think Brokeback Mountain deserved the Best Picture more. i don't know about that because i haven't seen it but i loved Crash and i liked the cinematography although the movie is highly not recommended if you're already stressed because it has heavy content. meaning, prepare to be stressed or prepare to re-analyze the movie all over again after you've watched it.

it's still early, i've got tons of things to do but i'm already sleepy. the bed is calling me because i have an excruciating headache again. nothing new.

i hope i do something productive this weekend.