take me to the Dark

i'm finally braces free! but not entirely metal free because i still have to wear retainers for a couple of months. hello, speech deficiency. something tells me that i'm not going to be my talkative self for a long time. good news for some of you!

spent the lazy afternoon at the dentist and then had my id pictures taken for the practicum application forms. the forms-- lots and lots of questions and they even ask things regarding military training and all that. i'm going to work at the National Defense College of the Philippines so it's natural for them to ask such questions. i just found them hilarious. a lot of questions are inapplicable too so i just filled out the ones that i could relate to. i'm not really enthusiastic to start my practicum. i wouldn't do it if it weren't required but i guess the on-the-job training will help me to prepare for the future (erm...?).

i got a pair of dragonfly earrings today too. i love dragonflies along with my fascination for butterflies and fairies. i don't know when i gave up on girly things (and colors except for orange, yellow, and green) but i started to loathe the sight of pink. perhaps it's the influence of my cousin Anne that i started to get fascinated by gothic/fantasy art or maybe i just outgrew the whole teeny bopper stage. go browse Deviant Art and check out the Fantasy category there. there are a lot of mighty talented digital artists. made me want to delete my account there-- the dumping ground for my crapphy photography. when i saw their art, i wanted to crawl under a rock and die because i shouldn't be there. DeviantArt is for artists. not for amateurs. erm. am i right or am i right? please tell me i'm wrong. so anyway, i started downloading faerie brushes for Photoshop and those of pixie dust. i wish i downloaded them sooner so i got to work on the graphics with those brushes but i guess i'll save that for next time. so, because of my new-found fascination for the dark side, i'm going to buy an Anne Rice novel and maybe satisfy my thirst for the dark side.

you can skip this part if you don't really care what i learned this week.

things i learned this week:
1. don't expect too much because you'll end up being disappointed at yourself.
2. take life one day at a time and don't be scared to take great leaps. it might make the world of a difference.
3. bad days are just that. they just stay for days then they drift off as if they never happened.
4. i feel really good when i'm with my family. they're my life support system. they keep me sane.
5. no matter how tempted i am to give up, i will never have the guts to do so because there is still that inkling that i just might make it.
6. i will be forever addicted to iced tea. never mind Coke.
7. i just might never drink again. i hate getting red all over and the allergies! no words.
8. no matter how much i want to start writing a novel, i will never have the drive nor the talent to start one.
9. GOD works wonders. He'll take me where He wants me to go (however cheesey this may sound).
10. no matter how your mother drives you crazy, you will always lover her and appreciate the things she does for you.
11. i may complain how being the youngest in the family deprives me of the chance to finally mature in the eyes of my parents but i will still love their pampering.

that's it! it's amazing how i start to blog without any idea on what to write and then bam! i start ranting and before i know it, the entry is way too long already. who cares? i can't be talkative for a couple of months so i'll turn to writing instead!
_____________________________

you'll here Joe's Ghetto Child playing in the background (hit the "Play" button) because i love the message of the song. you know the situation of ghetto children. maybe you'd appreciate the song if you'd take time to put yourself in their shoes.

the playlist:
Ghetto Child (Joe) - because i like the message of the lyrics
Breathing (Lifehouse) - ultimate bonding song with your significant other
Must Get Out (Maroon 5) - my song and apparently hers too. she heard it live. the lucky duck!)
Sunday Morning (Maroon 5) - my favorite lines in a song are here. i love the lyrics too. no wait. i love Maroon 5, period
With or Without You (U2) - i reduce to nothing but mush when i hear this song. i'd love to dance along to With or Without You or go driving with a signficant other while this song plays in the background.

anyway, my point to playing Ghetto Child is because i love the message of the song. it got me thinking that if i was born cut out for psychology, i would've taken up child psychology or if i was born for medicine, i would have been pediatrician. if i could prove that i can be a lawyer, i would be a human rights lawyer. why? because i want to devote myself to humanitarian causes.

i thought the want to live for others was just a phase, that wanting to make a difference would just come and go like my boyband fanaticism when i was a giggly high school girl. now i feel like it's a growing passion but something is holding me back-- the temptation to pour my heart and time out on insignificant things such as choosing to stay home instead of doing volunteer work for UP Pahinungod or chickening out to volunteer for the Emergency Room Volunteer program for the summer because i think i'd get lazy to go to the Philippine General Hospial every saturday when i'm off my OJT. but i guess that's what volunteerism is all about. you don't LOOK nor WAIT for time to give yourself to good causes. you MAKE time to work for good causes. you sacrifice bumming, beach hopping, hanging out at the mall, or just plain doing nothing for a chance to lend your hand even for just a day.

i haven't tested my strength while witnessing gory scenes in an emergency room. knowing PGH, they have several cases of gory accidents there and there will be lots of blood and life-and-death situations. maybe this is going to change me. this is the experience i want. afterall, i've dreamt of working in a hospital as a child. this is my chance to see what it's like.

i can't claim that i could fix whatever wrong there is in the planet. i can't claim that i'm going to change the world. but i see that there's a window of opportunity for me to make souls better. when an opportunity comes when i can ease even just one soul from suffering and put a smile on a person's face, i want to grab it because i know deep in my heart that i will be truely happy when i am able to make people happy.

the sad thing is that i don't get to express this passion too often because i'm afraid-- afraid of people's harsh criticisms on facing reality or the fact that people might perceive me to be a hypocrite. i won't force anyone to believe what i believe or to feel what i feel.

one thing's for sure-- i know what i want and i just might follow my heart. i pray to God that i will not be tempted by the harsh realities of life - that people do need big fat salaries to get through the day... that being a social worker and working for humanitarian organizations won't make my wallet too happy in the future. i pray that i won't be blinded by opting to be "practical" than follow what i'd really like to do. i don't want to think about these things for now. maybe, just maybe when i'm lucky... things will work themselves out just fine.

"Every man has his own destiny; the only imperative is to follow it, to accept it, no matter where it leads him."
by Henry Miller