drama mode

i'm having a bad day (yes, until now). there's this huge cloud roaming above my head. i wish i could erm, pack my bags and go on that much-yearned trip to Europe. i wouldn't mind going alone. it'll be a trip to finding myself. it's ironic, isn't it? how i'm like this, how i'm like me all my life yet i still think i need to find myself. maybe that's what life is. it's a never-ending journey of finding yourself. i hate it, you know. the feeling of wanting knowing you're meant to be elsewhere but you're still in the "bell jar". it's like high school all over again-- the feeling of wanting to leave things behind and start anew. college gave me the satisfaction to do so but now it's that same feeling all over again. it's a cycle. it's exciting too because i have this very strong wanderlust and it makes me happy imagining what good places these little feet will take me once i get the chance to quench my thirst to travel.

Finding Neverland is showing soon. i want to watch it right away because i feel like it's a movie for me. although i'm nearly twenty, i feel like i haven't aged at all minus the fact that my worries have doubled and responsibilities are thrown my way times two. i haven't aged at all.

i hate the world today. i don't know. maybe i just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. i'm grumpy as hell. i also got into a quarrel with my mother. sometimes parents just won't listen. they think their ways are always right and when you speak your mind out, they think you're disrespecting them. argh. getting my point out is pointless to even TRY. i don't feel like shutting up either and taking in whatever they say because i feel like it is my right to let my side of the situation be heard. for a split second i wish i knew how to drive because i had this impulse to run out the house and cool my head somewhere like in a park or a coffeeshop. then again, i imagined myself sobbing in a public place and that would be too embarassing because i hate attracting attention. i like living in the shadows. so yes, i thought i'd catch a cab but where would i go? my mother would just get even more mad at me if i stormed out of the house.

i wish i had friends who lived nearby. no wait. i wish i had friends who lived in the north instead of them living in the south. that way i could just call anyone of them and we could hang out. that's another frustration.

my good high school friend Ina invited me to two beach trips. on to Galera and another to Batangas for three days (i think?). argh. i wish i could go. so what's keeping me? my need to get an NBI and barangay clearance for practicum before the 14th. plus, there might be orientations or briefing for the OJT and such. i don't want to be out-of-town when i get the sked. but i do need the out-of-town trip. the beach. new friends. catching up with Ina. drinking (maybe? hehe). plus, Inaskidoodledoo is migrating soon. hrmf. i wish i went to DLSU instead. maybe i would've hanged out with her more (hehe) and maybe i wouldn't be as stressed as i am right now. so many what-ifs but what the hell. things happen for a reason. but Inaskidoodledoo, if you're reading this... i'm going to miss you. i swear.

why do the good ones have to go?

hay. the past few days... too many trials. i know how they say that they're just stones in the road (or something to that effect) but sometimes i find myself asking why me?, was i such a lousy person? but i know He is fair. maybe there is a REASON why i'm feeling what i'm feeling, why i'm living the life i'm living, and why i'm whining like a brat right now.

i'll stop before i start dumping my drama here.