i want to read The Bell Jar (Sylvia Plath) because that's where i am right now: in a bell jar. like i said before, i'm like a lost little firely trapped inside a jar. i can see what's the wide world out there but the jar is keeping me from flying to it. i want to travel to different places, i want to write a book, i want to volunteer for organizations, i want to volunteer for CRIBS... the list is just too long!

i've been fascinated with books related to psychology lately. not entirely "psychology" related but somewhat related to the minds of people-- of women my age, in particular. people's minds (or behavior) fascinate me. people are different and mysterious in many aspects and that makes them all the more interesting. besides, i see myself as psychedelic. don't be fooled by my normal appearance. it's just sad to know that some people are mostly misunderstood and often misjudged before even getting to know them. i'm not claiming to be not judgemental. i'm not proud of that side of myself but i'm really trying to let go of that. i've been judged (or at least it felt like it) for a couple of times and it's not a good feeling.

so i went to church after school today. i went to the small chapel adjacent to the church too and said my prayers. i made a mental note to myself to visit the chapel (it's so quiet inside) after school at least once a week just to be at peace and say my prayers. while waiting for the mass to start, i checked out the bulletin board with posters on different events. one poster caught my eye: the World Youth Day in Germany. i remember two years back i really wanted to go but i had school. in August, it's going to be in Germany and it would cost $1500+ including the processing of papers, lodging, etc. isn't that cool? August also happens to be the month when i turn 20 (que horror!) it's good to daydream that i might go (it's a dream, you know) but when i snap out of the daydream, i remember that there's school (senior year!) and well, asking the parents for that much money for the World Youth Day although they'd probably think that it's for a good cause. but argh! it's so frustrating! i want to go!

it would be a dream trip, you know: wanderlust + spiritual journey + meeting new people of different races + growing spiritually (in general)= one fulfilled individual.

so i made a pact with myself:

I WILL GO TO A WORLD YOUTH DAY CELEBRATION one day. i promise, i will.