of nightmares and bedtime prayers

i hate nightmares. when i was a child, my mother told me that she never sleeps without saying her bedtime prayers. and when she does fall asleep without praying, she gets nightmares. so whenever i tell her that i had a bad dream about something, she'd always remind me to never forget my bedtime prayers. the thing is, i keep sleeping when i'm dead tired or super drowsey. so by the time i hit the pillows, i usually doze off in an instant. i know it's no excuse to give thanks and pray for a fulfilling (or unfulfilling) day but it happens. yes, i'm going to change.

the other day i was on the phone with my mother (she's in cali until february). she told me she was going to tell me something. so i braced myself because it sounded important. and then she told me not to worry about it too much because it was just a bad dream. my mother dreamt that she was at the dinner table with friends and relatives. the relatives were prodding her to eat but she said she couldn't because in the dream, I DIED. she was crying in her dream and when she woke up, she was still crying. so my mother said she was worried because i might be in some danger. coincidentally, that was the night when i walked the dark streets of Maria Orosa at 9pm. my father thinks i'm too fearless and naive because when i like taking public transportation and i'm never scared when going home alone. i think he's right. -sometimes i'm too fearless that i think the world is on my side-- that all the good forces of the light will conspire to preserve my soul; that it isn't my time yet. my school friends said that if in the dream i died, it means "a new beginning". and i wonder what that "beginning" is. maybe something new in my life is opening up and i'm not aware of it yet or it's probably this idea i have in my head. but thinking about it, there is a ray of silver lining somewhere. a new world has unfolded for me and it's just up to me if i should go into the light or stay in the dark and let nature take its course. but knowing myself, i'll probably jump into the light because it's just not me to be happy-go-lucky.

last night i also had a nightmare. it was horrible but not in the sense of someone dying. i don't want to talk about it because it might bother me for the rest of the day. i remembered what my mother said right away after waking up this morning.

so yes, this time i definitely WILL make a mental note to myself to never forget my bedtime prayers.

as i lay myself to sleep
i pray the Lord my soul to keep.
but if i die before i wake,
i pray the Lord my soul to take.

a grade school teacher taught me that prayer. i think it's freaky rather than assuring.