life can be better

school was bummer today. i failed the freaking first exam for my POLSCI160 class along with 95% of the class. only 7 passed. the good thing is that we get to retake it on Friday and the higher score of the two exams will be recorded so obviously, i have to get a high grade for the second exam. these past few weeks have been a whirlwind. i hate living in weeks like this- cramming and studying. sometimes fruitful, sometimes not. the frustrating part of studying is when you feel like you've worked really hard only to find out that you don't measure up. only to find out that all that effort was nothing. it's frustrating. so for the rest of the day until i came home, i had a heavy heart and a worrying mind. math and STS exam tomorrow.

it's raining again. i wish i could just lay down on the bed and listen to the rain fall outside but no, i have to study study study. i have 2 exams tomorrow, another on friday, and another on tuesday. so naturally, this weekend will be spent studying for the geology test instead of what i had anticipated- bumming and having that well-deserved rest. instead, my rest day will be postponed to next weekend (if there is such a thing as "rest day" these days).

i know i shouldn't work myself out this much but i really have to because school is pressuring me to be the best i can. i need to know that i can succeed in my endeavors, i need to prove myself to "me". it gets draining once in a while. sometimes i think about what would have become of me if i had chosen a different school. maybe i had more social life. then again, what would social life do for my future? but still. the thought of kicking back and relaxing WHILE studying sounds highly tempting. i envy everyone who have graduated and are now officially a part of the workforce. i like planning for the future. i like thinking about where to apply for a job and how i'd like my life to turn out after graduation.

but right now? graduation feels so far away because there are more exams to pass, papers to write, blood to sweat, readings to read, and terror professors to meet.